


Sugar and Smoke Rings

by wendylesbiaburger



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternative Universe - Muggle, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Character, Forced Marriage, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, Mutual Pining, Second Chance Romance, Secret Relationship, Separation, Underage Smoking, artist marcus, but they'll be okay, kinda has, photographer Oliver, punk marcus, set over 20+ years, the other couples are just cameos, they're gonna hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendylesbiaburger/pseuds/wendylesbiaburger
Summary: Oliver couldn't explain why the boy at the skatepark always caught his eye.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... let me explain this. Over a year ago I started writing something that had this basic premise and I had written it in a completely different way. But I stopped writing it because it wasn't working out. However, I've always liked this idea and I finally figured it out. I hope you enjoy this first part.
> 
> Also, all the lyrics used throughout as headers are by queer artists! [Here's the Spotify playlist for it](https://open.spotify.com/user/tashpaula/playlist/70NDQaM0ggRdCiDMtrGDhK?si=qRrvfSDATKa3T2jTuwYHtg)

September 1991

Cover up is what they told/Feel so cold

Oliver passed the skatepark everyday to school. And everyday when he passed he saw the same boy.

He hadn’t tried to talk to him before, but he watched him from afar. In that time he’d noticed three things.

1) He wore a school uniform meaning he went to one of the nearby private schools

2) He had curly black hair that looked really soft

3) He was always at the skatepark alone in the morning

Oliver couldn’t pinpoint why he was so interested him. He never took notice of much, he was the type to be in his own head most of the time. Usually figuring out the best plays for the next soccer game against a rival school. But this boy distracted him whenever his eyes fell on him.

One of those days, when he passed the skatepark, he saw him in his usual spot but he wasn’t in his uniform today. He stopped for a moment, looking across the skatepark at him. He watched him get to the top of the ramp and sat with his legs dangling on the side. From the distance he saw him take out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and a lighter. He stared for maybe a little too long as he lit it up and took a drag.

He was good at going unnoticed by him, never really getting the courage to go up and talk to him. But that changed quickly that day.

“If you want one you can just ask, dude,” he called. Oliver felt himself go red and he almost ran, because he had school and if he was late he’d get detention.

But instead, he allowed himself to walk closer to him. There was a staircase to the top of the ramp, and Oliver just noticed how high up it actually was. But he ignored that as he sat down next to him.

Up close, he noticed the guy had an eyebrow piercing and a small scar on his cheekbone. The cigarette was between his lips dangled lightly around his lips in a small smirk.

“I recognise you,” he said idly. “You go to the high school up here?”

He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “You go to the private school?”

He nodded. “Saint Hell,” he said. Oliver stopped himself from laughing. Saint Hellen, otherwise known as Saint Hell, was the overly fancy private school in their neighbourhood. Even if the family wasn’t Catholic, all the rich kids went there. While everyone who wasn’t rich went to Hogsmeade High.

He knew this was a rich kid to begin with. “So I’m guessing you’re skipping?” he asked, raising his brow at him.

He nodded, blowing out smoke. “Yeah, but nothing was happening today. It’s only the beginning of the year.”

He took another drag and Oliver couldn’t help but watch. He wasn’t sure why he did or why the guy kept eye contact when he took a drag but it brought a weird feeling in his stomach.

After he blew out the smoke again he placed it between his lips and pulled out his carton of cigarettes. “Still want one?”

He didn’t really want one to begin with. He’d smoked a couple times before but only at parties with friends. Never out in the open.

But instead he nodded and the guy placed one between his lips. Then he pulled out his lighter and lit it for him. He felt his heart race as he leaned away, still smirking at him around his cigarette. Oliver didn’t even care about that he was going to have to go to school smelling like cigarette smoke.

* * *

Observing the boy ever day had turned into them smoking together every morning. Oliver would pass the skatepark and he and the boy – his name was Marcus he had learnt – would smoke together before they parted ways to go to school.

That day was a little different.

Marcus wasn’t in his uniform, and instead of his usual attempted neat curly hair, he donned his soft and unruly curly hair. The same hair from when they first spoke.

“Skipping, huh?” he asked, dropping next to him.

He shrugged, taking his cigarette packet from his pocket and handing him his. He took it and put it between his lips, leaning forward so Marcus could light it.

“I hate school,” he muttered. “I need a break sometimes.”

He smiled, taking the cigarette from his lips and attempting to blow out rings. Marcus laughed. “That was terrible.”

“Fuck you,” he laughed. “Were you just going to stay here?”

He shook his head. “No, I was waiting for you,” he said.

He tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

He nodded to the parking lot. “Brought my car, want to skip with me?”

He stared at him for a moment. Oliver wasn’t necessarily a rule follower but he’d never skipped school before. But he didn’t have any tests today and he could just ask for notes from his friends.

“Okay, sure.”

They drove into the city, and Marcus put one of his CDs on, loud punk music playing. It was by some band called Nirvana, Marcus saying it was a new album he found. He was really into it though and he kind of liked watching Marcus nod his head to it.

They spent most of the day just walking around. They went to the arcade, then went to get smoothies. Hanging out with Marcus outside of their usual meeting spot was nice, Oliver realised. He still had that weird bubbly feeling in his stomach from just being around him. He didn’t know how to describe it or but he thought he knew what it was.

Marcus was leading him down the street, and Oliver just followed not asking questions. He’d told him he wanted to do something so he just followed.

They stopped finally at a tattoo and piercing place. Oliver stared at it for a moment. He silently laughed at thought of his mother knowing he was here and how she would react in anger.

“New piercing?” he guessed, turning to him.

He nodded. “Yeah, only because I’m not old enough to get a tattoo yet,” he said.

“Yet?” he smiled, intrigue finding its way into his voice.

He nodded. “I have a lot of plans. I want to be a tattoo artist actually.”

His stomach went into knots when he pictured that. He would look great with tattoos. Kind of amazing.

They walked in and Marcus went up to the guy behind the counter asking for a nose piercing. Within ten minutes, they left and Marcus had a silver ring in his nose. Oliver thought about asking how he’d explain it to his parents but he didn’t seem to care about that.

Since it was getting late they decided to drive home, stopping halfway at a lake. The late afternoon breeze made it a really appealing place to sit for a little bit instead of going straight home.

It was completely quiet, to both of their surprise. But they sat close to the ledge, their legs crossed and their knees pressed against each other.

Marcus pulled out his cigarette carton and was silent for a moment.

“I’ve only got one left,” he said. “We can just share, that good?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

He lit it up and took a drag. He turned his head to look at him and blew smoke at his face. Oliver smiled and leaned forward as Marcus placed it between his lips. He took a drag while they held eye-contact, neither of them looking away. When Marcus took it from his lips, he blew it out the smoke and smiled.

“I wanna try something, stay still,” Marcus said. Oliver watched as he took another drag and then he leaned close to him. Oliver opened his mouth a little, realising what he was trying to do, and Marcus blew the smoke into his mouth. He breathed it in, and swallowed, stopping himself from coughing. Mostly because they were close. Really close.

They stared at each other for another moment, then they both leaned in and their lips brushed together into a soft kiss.

Neither of them moved away, and their lips moved together gently. It was a little weird and awkward but something about it felt right.

That was why he flinched away. They stared at each other for a moment, both of their faces flushed. He swallowed. “How did you know?” He’d been so good at hiding that he was gay, and he’d worked at it for so long. For god’s sake he didn’t want to go through everything that was happening right now, that’s why he hid it.

Marcus licked his lip. “I didn’t,” he said. “Took a chance.”

He bit his lip. “Good chance,” he said in a small voice.

He snorted. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

He smiled and brushed their fingers together. “Does it matter?”

“No.”

And they pressed their lips together again, time slipping away from them as if it didn’t exist.

* * *

_July 1993_

'Cause when you look like that/I’ve never ever wanted to be so bad

The summer sun was even worse in Marcus’s car. He had to pull down the top of it as he and Oliver lazed in the back seat.

Oliver had placed his foot in his lap, and he was lazily drawing on him with a ballpoint pen. He’d joked it was ‘practice’ for when he was a tattoo artist, even though Marcus knew that wasn’t going to happen. Not that Oliver needed to know that. He kept his family issues away from their relationship. Even after almost two years, it wasn’t something he needed to know and worry about.

They kept their relationship between them. They weren’t sure if they were ever going to tell anyone, not with everything that happened in the last ten odd years. He hadn’t planned on even telling anyone he was gay, he was probably just going to marry whatever rich girl his parents thought was good enough. But Oliver’s cute face with his pretty smile made him change that. He still wasn’t sure whether or not he was angry about that.

He wished it could be easier, but he was already set to repeat his senior year and disappointing his parents more was not part of plan.

“What ever are you drawing?” he asked, smiling at him so his dimples appearing. Why was his smile so pretty? And why did he melt by one look at it?

“A rose,” he said, not taking his eyes off his work.

“How much detail does this rose have?”

“You’ll see,” he said and leaned over to kiss him. He beamed at him and continued to fiddle with his new polaroid camera. He’d taken up Media at his school last year for an easy A, but it turned out Oliver loved photography more than he thought he did. He’d take photos of pretty much anything he found interesting. He probably had far more photographs than needed by now.

He heard the sound of the camera going off and he glanced at him, smiling when he saw Oliver’s camera pointing at him, a polaroid photo slipping from the camera. Oliver pulled it out and waved it for a few moments.

He grinned and reached over at him. “Let me see that,” he said and tried to snatch it from him. He smiled and let him take it and Marcus saw it was a simple candid picture of him. His tongue was between his teeth as he drew on his leg, his hair falling in his face.

It was hard to believe that was him, somehow Oliver made him look a little more attractive than he actually was. It made him wonder if this was what Oliver saw or if he was just that good at photography.

Oliver took it back from him and slipped it into his pocket. “I’m keeping that,” he said, grinning at him dimples and all.

He smiled. “You better,” he said and kissed him quickly on the lips. “Done with your tattoo.”

Oliver sat to cross his legs so he could look at the drawing. He saw a small smile pull on his lips. “Love it, wish I could actually get a tattoo of it.”

Marcus laughed and he watched Oliver take a photo of his ankle. God he really took photos of anything. Or he just really liked the drawing. It was one of his better flowers so he was happy he liked it so much.

* * *

Winning a soccer game always put Oliver on a high. Even if it was just one he was playing with some neighbours in the streets. He liked to keep up the practice between semesters.

He mostly played with kids that lived around the area. He never learnt most of their names, their relationship was limited to street soccer.

“Anyone wanna go again?” Oliver asked, picking the ball up from the road.

A dark haired boy shook his head. “No way dude,” he said. “I’m beat.”

“Yeah,” agreed a lighter brunette guy. “Not everyone can handle such intense playing.”

He almost laughed. He sounded like his team. They always said he overworked them but Oliver was just enthusiastic. “Okay, fine,” he grunted, putting his ball under his arm as some of the guys left, leaving him with guys actually knew the names of, Bill and Charlie. They were brothers and a couple years older than him. He knew them on a friendly basis but not exactly friends. Their mom did make nice cookies though and offered it to anyone who wanted it.

“Three on three then?” he offered.

Charlie shook his head. “Nah dude,” he said. “Our mom would probably want us home soon.”

He felt a small rush of disappointment, but before he could say anything the sight of someone else caught his eyes.

Marcus was riding down the sidewalk on his skateboard and from where he stood he could see his Nirvana t-shirt, ripped jeans, and heavy boots. He sometimes forgot that Marcus was a punk kid since a lot of the time he saw him he was in his school uniform. But Summer – and weekends – allowed Marcus to express himself for who he actually was. That included getting more piercings, and Oliver definitely had a thing for it. He couldn’t explain why it appealed to him but he really liked it, especially on Marcus.

“Hey, Marcus,” he said when he stopped by his side. Marcus stepped off of it and fit it under his arm. “What you doing around here?”

“Was bored, and you have the good skatepark down here,” he said and pulled out his carton of cigarettes. He happily took it when he held it out and gave him his lighter so he could light one for both of them.

“Whoa, Wood,” Bill said behind him as he took a drag. “Didn’t expect that from you.”

Oliver blew out the smoke and shrugged when he turned back to him. “Well, you don’t know a lot about me I guess.”

He heard Marcus stop himself from snorting as his own cigarette dangled between his lips. Yeah, that was an understatement if anything.

“Want one?” Marcus asked.

Charlie shook his head. “Our mom would literally kill us.”

“Yeah, we should probably go just in case the smell gets on us,” Bill agreed.

“Okay, I’ll see ya later.”

After Bill and Charlie left, like Marcus had suggested, they went to the skatepark. It was usually more crowded during summer rather than nearly deserted in the mornings during the school year.

People did mostly keep to themselves and Oliver mostly watched Marcus ride around from the top of a ramp, not doing any fancy tricks as he did, keeping a newly lit cigarette between his lips.

To the side, Oliver noticed a guy and a girl talking closely. No one took notice of them as they did, and no one bothered them. He got this weird wave of envy at the sight and looked back at Marcus. As far as anyone here cared, he and Marcus were friends. If he and Marcus did what the straight couple was doing though, they’d probably leave with black eyes at the very best.

Marcus came towards him, rolling on his skateboard. “You bored?” he asked.

He shook his head. “I’m fine, just thinking.”

He nodded. “I just wanted to see if you were okay, you kept glancing at that couple.”

Oh, was he really that obvious? Unless Marcus had been watching him. “Just, jealous.” It was the honest answer and when Marcus frowned at him and gave him a small, sad nod, he knew he understood.

“Well, I hate PDA anyway,” he said but there was a little bitterness in his voice. Oliver hated it too if he was being honest, but even the option to even just hold hands would have been nice. But he knew safety was more important. That there were plenty of stories out there of people realising someone was gay and attacking them.

He’d learnt to accept they’d never actually get to be together in a way that was easy.

* * *

_June 1994_

Everywhere we go we’re looking for the sun/Nowhere to grow old we’re always on the run

This time, Marcus did graduate his senior year. Oliver had helped him with his homework and studying for SAT’s a lot of the time. Mostly they just used it as an excuse to spend time together. His friends asked him a lot of the time why he would hang out with, as they called him, ‘that public school kid’. Using the tutoring excuse seemed to work. They really just locked up in his room and watched movies or made out. It was the best excuse they had, and they used it to their advantage when they could.

Sometimes the thought of telling people he was gay came to Marcus, even just telling his older sister and brother Amy and Chris. But then the flashes of memories of words like ‘the homosexual disease’ would cause his nerve to escape and make him want to hide it even more. He couldn’t even tell his younger sister Juliet, or Jules as he fondly called her. He’d been reminded too much in his life that it was an adult thing, not a thing for young and impressionable twelve year olds to know. That you didn’t even allow children to know the concept existed. And if you were gay then you was just left with anger and confusion and shame when you put the pieces together.

He had learnt to cope, and to hide it as best he could for as long as he could. He just had to please his parents, because they were too easy to disappoint.

Like they wanted, he got accepted into Princeton. It wasn’t his choice, and he only got in because his dad’s family had history there. He was studying pre-law, because like his father and his grandfather he was going to be a lawyer. Not a tattoo artist, but a lawyer because that was what his parents wanted and he was going to help run the law firm with Chris. That was the life his parents wanted him to have.

Of course they had a bride already lined up for him.

Her name was Daphne Greengrass. She was a year younger than him and she liked birds.

It wasn’t that his parents were forcing them to marry. It could best be described as a very hard push. And if he didn’t allowed himself to be pushed then it might turn into a shove.

He knew one day his parents would try and set him up with a girl. They did the same with Chris and they did the same with Amy. They seemed happy in their relationships and marriages after dating for a little while. They both claimed to love their spouse, and he decided to believe them.

He couldn’t really put into words why, but he knew that he was just incapable of falling in love with a woman. His brain didn’t feel like it was wired to do that. Especially when he was so in love with Oliver. A piece of him felt that he wasn’t just meant to love a man, but he was meant to love Oliver. Which made things even more difficult for him.

It was going to be hard to explain it to him, and he knew he wasn’t going to understand why he would allow his parents to do something like this. He didn’t understand the consequences of not becoming a lawyer, of not marrying this woman they have chosen for him, of his parents finding out that his heart was in the hands of a boy who loved soccer and taking polaroids of things he found aesthetically appealing.

Oliver was already waiting for him when he arrived at his house. With a grin he jumped into his car. They didn’t really have a plan of where they were going to go but they usually ended up by the lake where they had their first kiss. That specific spot was always a peaceful and comforting place for them. It felt like it was a place where they could pretend everything was okay, that no one was ever going to judge them. It was a reality they would likely never have but they were able to pretend for at least a few hours.

He was going to ruin it when he told him that they were going to have to end it soon. The thought of breaking up made him nauseous but it was naïve to think that infidelity wasn’t something that would make them crash and burn. Not only that but Oliver deserved better than to be someone he hid away while his wife waited at home. It was nothing but a cliche, and Oliver deserved to have all of him. Not be second to a woman Marcus didn’t love. He was a priority he couldn’t have.

He knew it would make him hate him. He wanted him to hate him, that would make it easier. He wanted him to yell at him, to tell him he never wanted to see him again. That was better than the tears he’d be dealing with for who knew how long.

He definitely let the silence stretch for too long, because Oliver spoke up. “You’re quiet.”

He didn’t take his eyes off the road and just shrugged. “Want to go to the lake?” he asked.

He could feel Oliver watching him, and was silent for a moment before answering. “Yeah, sure,” he said.

They radio filled the hollow silence, and Marcus couldn’t even bring himself to nod his head along like he usually did. Oliver noticed, because he was ridiculously observant and after almost three years dating he could catch the smallest thing and know something was wrong.

They got to the lake and they walked to the ledge like that always did, sitting on the grass and staring out at the moonlit water. The stars were bright out here, and Oliver loved taking pictures of it. He hadn’t even aimed his camera at anything.

“Okay, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Oliver’s voice was small. Marcus looked at him and saw that he was staring at the lake.

He chewed his lip, not taking his eyes off of him. He looked ridiculously gorgeous in the moonlight. Even more beautiful than the lake did.

He was going to lose what was literally the best thing that has ever happened to him.

“My parents want me to marry this girl.”

That got him to finally look at him. “What do you mean?” he asked, his brows drawing together in confusion.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair. “They’re pretty much setting me up with this girl. Not really forcing me but I guess also not giving me much of a choice.” God, it didn’t even make sense when he said it aloud. “They did it with my older brother and sister, and will do it with my younger sister. They kind of like, nudge us in a certain direction. Like with college.”

“Like how you’re doing law instead of being a tattoo artist,” he said, as a statement not a question. Because he knew how much he wanted to be a tattoo artist and how much he didn’t want to be a lawyer. Because he was the only person he let know what he was actually thinking because he trusted him with that information.

He nodded at him. “Exactly like that.”

He shook his head, and Marcus saw him struggle to swallow as tears clouded his eyes. “So you’re what, just going to marry a girl who you don’t even know just because your parents want you to?

God, he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand the severity of not marrying her and his parents finding out about them. Maybe trying to explain that would be the only way he could understand.

He took a deep breath. “It’s not just that,” Marcus said, his voice catching in his throat and he saw a single tear ran down Oliver’s cheek. “If they find out I’m gay, they’d kick me out. I love you, I really do. And I know I sound selfish, but I have to marry her.”

Oliver’s teeth had sunk into his lip as he stared at him. “That’s fucked up.”

“I know.”

“No, that’s really fucked up, Mar,” he sniffled. Oliver hadn’t told anyone he was gay, mostly because he didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of it. But their situations were so different. Oliver’s family probably wouldn’t disown him, he hoped not at least.

“So, you’re really going to marry her?”

He wanted to say no, that he’d find a way for them to be together and for him to not marry a girl he didn’t know.

But that was a promise he couldn’t ever make to him.

“Yeah,” he said, ripping out piece of grass just to give his hands something to do.

“So what does that mean for us?” he asked, his tone like he was scared to ask him, like he knew the answer to it. “Because I don’t want to be this secret where you cheat on your wife and it’s that damn cliche. Especially if you bring a kid into it.”

He expected that. He wouldn’t ever ask him to do that for him. He didn’t want him to be dragged into his messy life and the messy family situations that would come.

“I wasn’t going to ask that of you, Ollie,” he said. “I would never ask that of you.”

Instead of replying, Oliver nuzzled into his shoulder. He wanted to tell him he was sorry, he wanted to tell him he didn’t want to do this. But he just wrapped his arms around him and brought him closer to him, stroking his hair to offer some sort of comfort.

It was going to be over soon and there was nothing they could do about that.

* * *

They were quiet for most of the ride to San Diego. Ideally, Oliver and Marcus would’ve gone to Pride in LA rather than taking this long and tedious drive. But even if they were to just stay on the sidelines hidden in the crowd, they still feared one person would recognise them and it would somehow get to their families. It may be a little irrational but it felt safer to be as far away from anyone recognising them as they could be, without being a distance too far. It was made a little difficult after they heard about the protesters trying to march, going as far as to call themselves ‘the Normal People’, which left a bad taste in both of their mouths. But they were used to far worse things, growing up hearing people like you were dying made them realise being together wasn’t going to be easy.

It was the last day they would ever be together. They figured this would be a good way to end it.

They didn’t march, deciding to just stand in the crowd and watch. It looked fun and Oliver couldn’t believe how open these people could be. He and Marcus were having a hard enough time holding hands even though they were hidden in the crowd, ignoring how clammy both of their hands were.

He’d never seen a pride parade before. He stayed away from LA pride and had never had a chance to look at newspapers and magazines that talked about it. The closest he’d had was his mother talking about the parade and, while insisting she didn’t have a problem with gay people, asking why they had to have a parade. He had to stop himself from frustratingly pointing out how many had died from AID’s and how Reagan allowed it to happen.

The day was kind of fun though, and they tried to stay positive. Despite that this was their last day together and despite the protesters they passed when the drove in.

He felt Marcus squeeze his hand, and he used that as an excuse to rest his head on his shoulder. It was a small gesture but it was so obviously a couple one, and it gave him more anxiety than necessary. But the atmosphere calmed him down.

Just for one day they could pretend that no one cared they they were two boys holding hands. That they even could hold hands in public.

They might’ve stayed longer than they did, but they both started to get antsy about how long it would take to get home. Especially with LA traffic.

Oliver did get a chance to take some pictures of San Diego. He was planning to minor in photography in college, majoring in sport science. He really fell in love with photography after the past couple of years.

When they walked away from the parade and back to where Marcus had parked his car, he looked over his shoulder, seeing the parade in the distance.

This felt so final, and maybe because it was so final. They really were never going to see each other again. Marcus was going to leave for his family’s vacation to England tomorrow, and would be back when he was leaving for college. Oliver would already be out of the state to go to college himself.

This well and truely was there last day together.

He grabbed his hand, stopping him in his pace. Marcus looked over his shoulder at him frowning.

“Yeah?” he asked, and Oliver noticed how his eyes darted, making sure no one was watching or noticed they weren’t platonic friends.

He held up his camera, which had been hanging around his neck. “I want to take a picture, of us.”

He blinked at him, clearly a little surprised. He’d taken plenty of candid pictures of him but there was none of the two of them. Oliver was paranoid if he did take one someone would see it and then everyone would know he was gay. But this felt like a time to make an exception.

When Marcus’s eyes settled on him, he bit his lip and nodded. “Okay, cool.”

He smiled, biting his lip as he did. He took the strap off his neck so he could hold the camera out. Marcus came to his side and the both smiled at the camera, and he clicked the button, flinching a little at the flash.

When the photo slipped out, he waved it and Marcus stepped away from him. They were in a pretty quiet area, most people down at the parade. But he still moved away as if someone would do something to them if they were caught together.

Oliver stared at the photo of them. They looked happy, and maybe that was the last bit of happiness they had. Because this photo marked that this was the last time they were together. The last time they could pretend that they could be together forever. The last time they could pretend no one would judge them. The last time they could find comfort in the others touch.

It got too much to look at the photo and he looked back at Marcus. He held it out to him, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. “Keep it,” he said. It felt right for him to, to have something left from this bliss. He had so many candid pictures of him that he deserved something to remind him of this short time together.

Marcus stared at the photo for a moment, before taking it between his thumb and his finger. “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll keep it forever.”

Oliver could tell he meant that.

Two hours later, they were back in LA and back home. Marcus stopped at his house around sunset and Oliver stared, seeing that his mom had already turned the lights on and that his sister Amelia’s car wasn’t there, probably at work or with her boyfriend.

He turned his head back to Marcus and he saw him staring at him. It was all over, this was the last time they’d ever see each other. Nothing was going to change that, nothing was going to fix it. They were well and truely over.

Oliver leaned over the console and kissed him. Marcus relaxed against his lips, kissing him back with so much tenderness. Their fingers linked together in Marcus’s lap and Oliver felt his eyes sting as tears threatened to find their way out.

He kissed him to find some sort of comfort before they finally left. But he didn’t feel comfort, he felt nothing but hurt. His heart felt like it was in his throat and his stomach was tied into knots.

Slowly, inevitably, he pulled away. Marcus’s eyes were still closed, and they slowly opened. He looked at him with so much love, love that felt like it would only come once in a lifetime.

“If he could,” he said, somehow able to keep an even tone as he spoke. “I would elope with you on the spot.” He said it in the most earnest tone. And maybe in a different universe, in a different life, where they could have eloped he would have said yes on the spot. He would have left his entire life behind him to be with this boy who could hold stars in his eyes. Who not only he felt like he could show his true self to, but was part of that true self. And he was falling from his fingers all because they don’t live in a world where they can be together.

He wanted to kiss him again but he was afraid if he did his tears would fall and leaving would hurt more than it already did.

Instead, he said, his voice catching in his throat, “I would say yes.”

The silence was tense, and it took so much to not kiss him again as he stepped out of the car. He couldn’t bring himself to say bye to him. The words refused to come out. He closed the door behind him and he watched the car slowly drive off. He stayed in the same spot until Marcus was out of sight.

He dragged himself into his room, barely acknowledging his parents as he entered. He closed his bedroom door behind him, his back falling against the door, and he sunk to the floor. After a few moments, he choked on a sob and his tears started to fall. It was a mix of tears and snot and hurt. It felt like his heart had been left in that car with Marcus, and he had no way of getting it back.

He wanted to tell himself that it was okay, that his love for Marcus was likely to fizzle out anyway from the distance of their colleges. But things hurt now, and he didn’t know how long they would hurt. He wanted it to stop hurting, and the only way it would was if he and Marcus could be together. But that was the one solution he wasn’t going to get. All he could do was cry, to mourn their relationship and what they had.

It was well and truely over.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so this part has some heavy themes to it so I suggest looking at the trigger warnings in the notes below to be prepared if heavy topics trigger you. 
> 
> I promise things are going to get better soon!

July 1995

I wanna sleep next to you/And that’s all I wanna do right now

It’s been over a year since Marcus and Oliver officially ended. Marcus handled that as best he could, but he wasn’t really coping well.

He barely passed his first year at Princeton. He guessed he only had because his dad gave a generous donation in November last year. He could barely get his head around the content, and as much as he tried studying, his problems with not being able to get out of bed were getting worse. It felt like his body couldn’t move.

He’d felt that when he was in high school, but he pinned it on having to get up so early. Which lead to his tendency to skip school. Although he had the same academic problems in high school. And middle school. And elementary school. And when he was learning to read. He just overall struggled.

He’d mostly been numb. He did was his parents wanted him to do. He took the classes he wanted, he even took out his piercings and wore button ups over his band t-shirts. He’d just accepted it at this point, he was never going to be able to be who he really was. He couldn’t be a tattoo artist, he didn’t even want to risk getting a tattoo. Whenever he looked in the mirror, he just saw the shell of a man with dark bags under his eyes and hair overly gelled to mask the natural curls. He did the bare minimum for years but it was like his parents were pulling him like a puppet. And he never fought back.

That was why he was dressed for his wedding.

It turned out Daphne Greengrass was also going to Princeton, and that allowed time for them to get to know each other. They both knew it was what their parents wanted and they were powerless to do anything.

He asked her to marry him on new years, it had only been a few months since they started dating. She said yes, much to the pleasure of their parents. The wedding planning began immediately, and Marcus was like a robot throughout it all.

He was good at hiding how he felt. When he started to dress how he did now, people assumed he was over his angsty teen phase. That’s what he was always told his moods were, especially his mood swings. He wasn’t sure if he believed that was what it was but no one seemed to notice how much he was dreading today. His stomach was churning and getting out of bed was near impossible. The feeling as if there was a dark cloud above him. That was the only way he could describe it.

“Hey, it’s time to go,” Chris said as he was still trying to keep his hair flat. Small thick curls kept getting loose. He’d usually give up, his hair had a mind of its own.

Marcus stared at his reflection, and the face that stared back told him that this was a terrible idea. He knew it was a terrible idea. But it was too late to back out now. It wasn’t even an option to begin with.

He’d given up on his hair, he already wanted to wash the gel out of it. That was the first thing he was going to do when the reception was over. He was going to spend his wedding night having a hot shower and sleeping, that was for sure.

“You good?” Chris asked, frowning at him.

He swallowed, and turned to him to nod at him. “Yeah, I’m good.”

‘Good’ wasn’t what he should describe his mood on his wedding day. But that was still a stretch. He wanted to run. But he couldn’t. He felt like he was trapped in his own skin, desperate that he could somehow change something. Change the family he was born into. Change the situation. Hell, even the smallest part wanted to change his sexuality.

A piece of him was left with Oliver. That’s what it felt like. He gave so much to him emotionally, he allowed himself to feel something for another guy. And it was lost and it was all his fault.

He followed Chris to where he’d be taken for his life to finally be exactly what his parents wanted.

* * *

This was a bad idea.

Oliver’s first year of college was over, and he did have a good time. It was a good distraction from him and Marcus breaking up.

He shouldn’t still feel as much hurt as he did. He should be over it by now.

He still hadn’t told anyone he was gay. He hadn’t met any other gay people at college either. He just kind of existed there. He’d made some friends but he didn’t have plans on telling them he was gay. He didn’t have any plans to come out. He’d accepted that he wasn’t going to fall in love with another man, that he’d never have the chance to be honest about it with anyone. He’d never have the feeling he had when he was with Marcus, when they were at the lake, or even when they were in San Diego. He was stuck in the purgatory of not being able to come out.

That was why getting a tattoo of the rose Marcus drew on his ankle made sense. It could serve as a reminder that for a short time in his life, he was able to pretend that no one cared he was gay That Marcus was the only person that mattered and they were happy together.

He was really happy he kept that polaroid of it. Although the tattoo artist was definitely surprised his method of showing what tattoo he wanted. But he was able to sketch out exactly what he wanted for the stencil.

He got it right where Marcus had drawn it onto him. It hurt like hell but he had a high pain tolerance at least.

When it was over, he stared at it and he felt the warmth of the memory of lazy summer days and kissing in places no one would see them. It could work as a symbol of the almost three years they had. That he actually had another boy to love when he thought he’d never be able to.

It was why he went to the same tattoo parlour they went to the day they had their first kiss. It felt full circle. Maybe he’d actually be able to get over it.

He left the parlour with his ankle wrapped in plastic and his heart in his throat.

* * *

_April 1997_

So no more dreams where we pull through/And I can't collect my thoughts ‘cause they're still with you

The closest friend Oliver had made at college was probably a guy named Cedric. He was a jock but he was a nice jock, so they got along easily.

They met at the start of his Sophomore year, having some classes together and this year they decided to be roommates instead of rolling the dice on the random system.

Cedric was also the kind of person who stayed out of trouble, which left Oliver as that asshole friend who got too drunk and had to be taken home by their sober friend. Cedric didn’t seem to mind, he almost liked being that friend. He once told him he was happy to make sure he got back to their dorm safe while intoxicated. Between saying he was at least not one of those guys who got drunk and catcalled or harassed girls.

Sometimes Oliver thought about telling him he was gay, but always dropped it when he thought about how girls tended to crush on Cedric. Oliver didn’t get it, he was way too of a pretty boy for his taste. That made him wonder if his taste was the kind of guy Marcus was or if his mind still was on Marcus. That didn’t really matter because he wasn’t planning to look for another guy. He even got anxious looking at a guy he did think was attractive, as if he’d know he was gay and then attack him. That was his greatest fear and it was worse when he and Marcus would walk in public together. Like someone would somehow know they’re a couple and react in anger.

Yeah, Cedric didn’t need to know.

He was good at keeping up the facade at least, not that he ever really acted on the facade. People assumed he was straight anyway. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that because on one hand, he did provide a weird sense of safety. On the other, it made him feel like he had to hide it even more.

He could definitely do without Cedric tendency to set him up.

The newest girl that Cedric assured him was ‘perfect for him’ was named Fay Dunbar. She was a nursing major and a fan a soccer.

She was the kind of person he’d be fine to befriend, and maybe in a different life he’d date her. Hopefully they’d get a friendship out of this.

They’d met up in the rec room in his and Cedric’s dormitory. Fay was dressed pretty casually and had turned the TV onto a soccer game when she sat with them. That made Cedric nudge him as if that meant she was perfect for him.

“So, you’re Oliver?” she asked, raising her brow at him.

He nodded, subtly kicking Cedric. “Yeah,” he said.

“So you’re a sports science major too, huh? What you planning to do with that degree?”

“Personal trainer.” That was his life plan. Playing soccer professionally was a long shot so he just fell back on being a personal trainer. He liked exercising and the idea of making people fit. He spent far too much time in the campus gym. He probably should use that time studying but he liked cooling off a long day by working out.

She smiled. “That’s cool– you work out?” There was interest in her tone, probably a little pleased that if she was going to be set up with him, he at least he had muscles to show for it.

He nodded and she definitely looked at his bicep for a second. He almost shuffled away, mostly because she looked like she wanted to touch it.

God, why did not saying he was gay have to come with people thinking he was straight? Why did people have to assume his sexuality at all? Why couldn’t just like guys in peace, not with all the damn stress?

Cedric ended up leaving them alone after making some excuse, and he was ready to strangle him after that.

Well, he might as well use it as a chance to make a another friend.

* * *

If marriage was bliss, Marcus never wanted to feel this way again.

His parents had bought them a house near Princeton since they felt it was fitting, as they were married and all.

Married. That still didn’t feel real. He didn’t feel married, maybe because they were married in theory but not in practice. They were a couple on paper but not in life.

Unfortunately, paper or practice, Daphne’s parents still invited them to dinner in New York. The Greengrass’s were New York based, so they had to dive to there from Jersey. It was reminiscent of the San Diego trip with Oliver, without the music and the happiness. He let the radio play rather than putting on the kind of music that Daphne would probably turn her nose up and dismiss as screaming. Not like Oliver who fully engaged into the music.

God, he had to stop being hung up on Oliver. It had been three years. He was never going to see him again and he probably hated him by now anyway. That left him to live his miserable, pathetic life trying to please his parents.

Daphne slept for most of the way through at least. Even after two years, they more so tolerated each other than liked each other. They barely talked and he favoured sleeping on the comfortable couch in the study over the bed in their room. They had to get a bed in the guest room so he could sleep there instead. The couch may be comfortable but god did he miss sleeping in a bed.

Daphne’s parents’ place was about as nice as his parents’. It had that same weird hollow look to it, like all rich lawyers hired the same interior designer. The same mahogany room set and minimal personal touches. The only thing in the house he grew up in that made it look like a house a family lived in was an old photo of him and his siblings. It was awkward to look at as a seven year old him stood next to a nine year old Chris, while his a 12 year old Amy held the newly born Juliet in her arms. Aside from that, you wouldn’t be able to tell kids lived there.

His room was the black sheep though. He did his best to add character to it with band posters, a stereo, and an old record player. But it felt like he was trying to turn something that was his parents into his own.

They hugged Daphne hello and shook his hand. Mr Greengrass talked a lot about work, and asked Marcus a lot about college. He fibbed about his grades, and tried to concentrate on eating. He hated small talk, and he never saw the point in talking to someone unless people were actually talking about something worth value.

“So, were you two planning to give us grandchildren or not?” Mrs Greengrass asked, humour in her tone. Marcus almost choked on his food in response, difficultly swallowing it down. Daphne kind of paled next to him, chewing on neatly cut pieces of meat.

Kids. He knew that would come up one day, and apparently two years was too long. They hadn’t even had sex, because why the hell would they? She never initiated anything and he sure as hell was never going to.

They’d have to eventually, just to have kids. He’d probably have to spend the time they did have sex forcing his mind to go far away. He’d been getting himself off a lot, which he’d take over having sex with Daphne.

Oliver was the only person he’d had sex with. They’d mostly – as quietly as they could – had sloppy hand jobs in his room, and had a few blow jobs in between. They’d only gone all the way once though, after he got the nerve to buy what was needed. It was their first time and their last time. He cherished it as best he could, but now it was just a blur of touches and muffled noises and trying his hardest to not cause Oliver pain. Especially on top of the emotional pain they had been both still going through.

“Well,” Daphne said, her voice cracking slightly. “We’re both pretty busy with college, mom. No time for kids right yet.”

Mrs Greengrass frowned at him. “Well, don’t keep us waiting you two. The boy we chose for Astoria didn’t work out in the end.”

Marcus was suddenly very envious of Astoria and her being too busy with college to come tonight.

Daphne frowned. “You mean the Malfoy boy?” she asked. “Why didn’t it?”

Marcus couldn’t help but notice Mr Greengrass scowl at the sound of that. He’d heard the name Malfoy thrown around, knowing they had a son. It made sense they would want to marry him off to a Greengrass.

After shuffling uncomfortably, Mrs Greengrass answered. “He refused to do so, and it turns out he is a homosexual.”

It took everything in Marcus to not flinch at that. Luckily this time he wasn’t mid-chew. He felt a rush of envy that he could even be able to do that.

“Oh,” Daphne said, clearly unsure of what to say.

“Well, in my opinion he should’ve just been a man and married Astoria.”

Yeah, now he really wanted to leave.

He tried to focus on eating, but Mr Greengrass was definitely not done. “I don’t know what’s happening with men nowadays, in my day men were with women and women were with men, like it was meant to be.”

The words were like a punch in the gut. He’d heard plenty of quips in the past from friends before, and he’d learnt to live with it. But this wasn’t a childish remark, this was the kind of thing that made him marry Daphne. This was why no one knew about him and Oliver.

“Didn’t that actress Ellen Degeneres reveal she was a lesbian?” Mrs Greengrass asked.

“We all knew she was. And it’s on the cover of Time too,” Mr Greengrass scoffed. He looked Marcus, right as he had scooped way too much mashed potatoes into his mouth. “Don’t you agree? Men and women have their roles, and people who choose to live that way are insubordinate.”

He swallowed thickly, acutely aware of the eyes on him. All he could think about was him and Oliver lazily kissing in the back of his car, cuddling while they watched movies, smoking in the skatepark while laughing together.

How could someone think that was wrong because they were both guys?

“I mean, it’s their business,” he shrugged.

He could see Daphne watching him from the corner of his eyes and Mrs Greengrass awkwardly eating her broccoli. Mr Greengrass was watching him, his lips slightly pursed.

He stood up, his food still half eaten. “I’m gonna have a smoke,” he said, mumbling over his words and going outside before anyone could stop him.

Smoking had always been his coping mechanism. Especially when his anxiety got really bad. That’s what lead to his daily smoking at the skatepark, he hated school and it was the only way for him to not end up having an anxiety attack.

He’d kept those kind of things to himself, not even Oliver knew. Some days it was so bad that he had to hide it from him and pretend he was okay. He was never really able to explain how he felt, but smoking gave him some temporary relief. And when things got too much, he skipped school all together. Some of those days Oliver came, some he didn’t. Marcus was surprised he even graduated in the end.

When his cigarette was done, he took a deep breath and returned to his personal hell.

* * *

_June 2000_

You're my best memory baby/You're the world to me

Marcus’s own face stared back at him in the magazine.

He never understood why this even had to be printed, just because he was the son of some layer who owned a firm, it didn’t mean people cared about him having a kid.

In between his time at law school and struggling through his classes, his own parents started asking about kids. And they were being asked a lot to the point he snapped and after a lot of talking himself into it, he and Daphne had sex and thank fuck she got pregnant on the first try. He was able to block out the memory, made easier by trying to put his mind on anything else when it happened.

He’d assumed when Daphne got pregnant he’d feel a little bit happier. But he still felt so hollow. It wasn’t even that he felt sad, he felt numb. He tried to get excited about the idea of having a kid, like it would be able to fix everything. A kid felt like something good was coming out of this marriage. He did really want to be a dad, and he was going to be able to be one even if it could only be in a way he didn’t want to do it.

He was going to love the shit out of that kid, he knew that for sure.

* * *

The gym turned out to be a good place to work. Oliver had been really enjoying his time there, and got along well with his coworkers.

It paid decently, and he ended up moving in with Cedric who was a surprisingly great roommate. Aside from the fact he hadn’t given up on him and Fay. Oliver still didn’t get why he was so set on them but he let it be. He and Fay had actually become pretty great friends over the past couple of years. She always joined in on game nights. Her passion was almost on the level of his.

That night, Cedric was working late, and he suggested for Fay to come over. In front of her. So that lead to them spending the night watching Friends. At least that was the plan. When she arrived at his apartment she was smiling, dressed pretty casually, and holding a magazine.

“Hey,” he said and closed the door behind her. “What you got there?” he asked when they walked to the couch. He’d already gotten some alcohol out, and was honestly ready to cool off after a long week at work.

Fay crossed her leg over her other and gave him an amused smile. “It’s this magazine that basically covers the lives of rich people,” she said.

He raised his brow at her, pouring vodka and coke into a glass. “Why would anyone care about that?”

She shrugged and flipped through it. “I don’t know, I just think it’s funny” she said. “There’s articles on heiresses wearing specific brands, who’s marrying who. Even gossip.”

He snorted over his drink and looked over her shoulder at it. There was a two page spread on someone or others wedding and information about the decor. God, weddings were expensive enough he didn’t want to even think about how much rich people spent on weddings.

She continued to flip and stopped on a two page spread that had multiple couples on it. “Look at this,” she gestured to it. “There’s even this thing on who’s pregnant. Like, why?” she laughed.

He smiled and looked over her shoulder, and then his eyes stopped on something that made his stomach drop.

He didn’t recognise him at first. Maybe it was the beige button up, maybe it was the overly gelled hair, maybe it was the absence of piercings. But the scar on his cheekbone made him know for sure it was him.

He’d never fully accepted the reality that Marcus married a woman. He’d shut him out as best he could while sometimes thinking about him. But seeing it was a reality. Seeing him with his wife, seeing that he was having a baby with her, made him feel like his stomach was in knots.

He pulled his eyes away and looked back at Fay, who had gone back to flipping through the magazines and making remarks at whatever she found funny. She didn’t even notice how he was sitting there with his mind racing.

He hadn’t had sex since Marcus. He was the only person he’d ever slept with. He knew he didn’t want to sleep with a girl and he was too anxious to go to a gay bar. He didn’t really like the idea of hooking up anyway.

Maybe it was petty, but the fact that Marcus slept with a woman when he’d gone on long monologues about how he knew he wasn’t attracted to women and how he wished he didn’t have to marry that woman, he still went through with it in the end.

He wanted to be angry at him, and he’d been trying so hard to hate him. But he couldn’t, because he did understand why he married the girl. He didn’t want to be cut off.

But it still hurt to see it. He didn’t need to know he was going to live that life with a woman he didn’t even love, just because he had shitty parents.

He needed more alcohol.

* * *

Oliver woke up with a splitting headache.

He groaned, turning onto his stomach. Definitely had too much to drink last night. The last thing he remembered was taking a shot of vodka straight. Fay had quite a drink too, so he hoped she didn’t drive home.

That question was answered when his leg brushed against another leg. He jumped back and looked at the lump next to him, and he felt all the colour drain form his face.

Fay was on her stomach, curled up into the pillow. And she was naked. That’s when he realised he was too.

He felt sick, and he knew it wasn’t from the hangover.

How drunk did he get? And combined with his anger at Marcus… he must’ve been bad. Bad enough to sleep with her.

Fay shuffled next, and rolled onto her back. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him.

“Well, about time for that,” she smiled and laughed.

He felt a lump in his throat. He wasn’t even going to entertain it.

“I’m sorry,” he said and shook his head, averting his eyes away from her. “This was a mistake.” Where were his clothes for god’s sake?

“Oh?” her voice slightly broke. “Right. I guess I thought this was the reason you never dated at all.”

Why wasn’t the truth coming out? Why couldn’t he just easily say he was gay? Why was this still so damn hard?

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was really, really drunk.”

He could tell that stung without even looking at her. He decided to leave out the part that he didn’t even remember it. He wanted her to leave if anything. He just wanted to shower and curl up in bed. He was just happy he didn’t remember it.

“Well, I guess I should head home,” she said, and he still wasn’t looking at her. He heard her shuffle around and then a few moments later his door opened and closed.

He fell onto his back and covered his face with his hands.

Stupid fucking idiot. That’s all he was. Why was he such a coward that he still couldn’t say he was gay? And now he definitely fucked up their friendship.

He showered for far too long, and dragged himself into the living area. He wasn’t in the mood to face Cedric, or any of his smugness. He’d been trying so hard to get them to start dating, and he’d no doubt goad him over this.

Cedric was sat at the table, mouth full of cereal. Fay seemed to have already left at least.

“Morning,” Cedric said, and he gave him an amused smile.

“Don’t,” he said hollowly, deciding to make oatmeal. “Just– please don’t.”

He frowned at him and watched him as he got the oats and milk out. “Not a good morning after?” he asked.

“It was a mistake,” he muttered. “I was really drunk.”

Cedric was silent for a moment as Oliver started to cook the oats. He should tell him and he wanted to so bad. He knew Cedric wouldn’t judge him, because he was the kind of person. But it was like with Fay, even though the words wanted to get out they just couldn’t.

“I think I fucked up our friendship,” Oliver said.

“No,” Cedric said. “This won’t. You’re too great of friends, she’ll understand if you were drunk.”

She hopefully would. He really hoped she would.

* * *

“I’m pregnant.”

Oliver stared at Fay. This was the first time he’d heard from her since they slept together. It’d been a painful month, and not talking to her had been awful.

But this wasn’t what he’d expected.

“What?” he asked, and his voice cracked.

She chewed her lip and nodded. “Yeah, I’m pregnant. And I want to keep it.”

He felt a rush of dread. He couldn’t tell her to not keep it, he wasn’t that kind of person. He also couldn’t let her do it on her own.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll do this with you.”

She blinked. “What?”

“Marry me.”

The words slipped from his mouth, and he couldn’t get it back. Her eyes widened at him, clearly shocked he’d even think of making that kind of a, well, proposal.

“I can’t let you do this own your own,” he said. “So we’ll do it together.”

She stared at him for a moment. But she nodded. “Okay, I’ll marry you.”

* * *

_March 2001_

When I close my eyes I'm in this world where you don't have a girl/And I'm right by your side

The day Xander was born, Marcus felt a little complete.

He had his curly black hair, because that gene was so strong. And he curled up in his arms, making small noises as he slept.

He’d become his reason to come home, his reason to push away the really dark thoughts he’d been having. Daphne had taken on a lot of the responsibility, but he took care of him every chance he could. He really loved taking care of him.

He was the only good thing in his life that he had, and he was ready to love the shit out of this kid.

* * *

They didn’t exactly want to have a shotgun wedding, but Oliver’s parents as well as Fay’s refused to let them just go to the courthouse.

The wedding was small, but it was a wedding. Fay was five months pregnant, somehow extensive planning was able to happen in four months. Her bump was obvious in her wedding dress.

He knew your wedding day was meant to be the happiest day of your life, but he felt nauseous the whole way through. The vows had felt like a lie because that’s exactly what they were.

Oliver wouldn’t have called himself too great of a husband, and at least he and Fay were on the same page. They did this for their kid.

The day Carson was born, Olive decided he was okay with this marriage. He took on most of the parenting responsibilities due to Fay spending a lot of time studying, and the schedule she’d have when she started working. His job was far more lenient with that kind of time.

He hadn’t really put much thought into the fact he ha pushed himself further into the closet. Or that he allowed it to happen. But Carson was a great reason to do this. He could do this for Carson.

He knew that when his scrunched up face stared up at him when he first held him at the hospital.

* * *

_June 2007_

I appeared so strong/but when no one was watching me I would come undone

Marcus hated his job. He really hated it.

His fathers law firm was the farthest from what he’d call his dream job.

Getting out of bed became harder and harder the longer he worked there. It was like his body didn’t want to move. They’d finally gotten a bed in the guest room, and he spent most of his time there. Or his office. He saw Daphne as little as possible, but read Xander a story whenever he asked.

Xander had become his only thing to live for. He was the most important thing to him. When he’d get home from work and see him running towards him, and excitedly talking to him about his day at school he felt like he was living for something.

But he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t pretend he was okay. He wasn’t at all okay. It’d been a long time since he was.

That was why he swallowed those pills and laid down on his bed, only a hastily written note to show for it.

He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t even live anymore. The feeling of numbness was unbearable. He hadn’t felt like he felt anything in so long.

He laid on his bed and let the pills drift him away.

* * *

For a second, Marcus thought he was in heaven. The bright lights were his first indication.

But no, when he opened his eyes he realised he was in the hospital.

A groaned escaped his lips and he rubbed his eyes. He saw a women standing by the bed, and her clothes told him she was a nurse.

“Mr Flint?” she asked and stepped closer to hm.

“Yep,” he said, and his voice was was weak. His throat was killing him, which didn’t surprise him. Pills had to be pumped somehow he figured.

She spoke to him, and he barely listened. She confirmed his stomach pumping assumption, and that he was lucky he was found.

He kind of just wanted to sleep.

He mumbled in response, and he mumbled his replies. She said something about leaving and he heard her footsteps leave through the door.

He found the remote that would bring the back of the hospital bed up, so he used that so he wasn’t lying fully on his back anymore. He could see the door was open but he didn’t see where the nurse had gone. He sighed, and rubbed his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about making it. He note he’d written hadn’t been vague, it was short but he expressed how much he hated his job and his marriage and how he couldn’t do it anymore.

He didn’t know what was going to come out of this. And he wasn’t looking forward to it.

He saw Daphne step through the doorway and she stared at him. Really stared at him.

“Hi,” he said, his voice still weak.

She frowned and her chest huffed. “Nurse is bringing you yogurt and oatmeal.”

He almost gagged at the thought of hospital oatmeal.

The tension in the room was thick. He wasn’t sure if she’d read the note, but she probably did. His statement about how much he hated their marriage wouldn’t have been a surprise to her.

“Xander’s outside,” she said. He perked up at the sound of his son’s name. “He really wants to see you.”

“Send him in then,” he said.

“Nurse is not sure yet,” she said. “For his sake– he’s the one who found you.”

That felt like a punch in the stomach.

Xander was the one who found him. His fucking six year old son was the one who saw him that close to death.

Fucking shit, he needed to see him.

“Send him in,” he said, trying his hardest to sound a little firm. He coughed instead. “Please,” he settled on. “I want to see him.”

“Later, okay?” she said and her arms were crossed. “He doesn’t understand what’s happening.”

He shoulders sagged. “I want to see my son.”

“No!” she said and shook her head. “Jesus, you almost died. You don’t need to traumatise him more.”

He took a deep breath, and fell deeper into the bed.

She was still standing and staring at him. It wasn’t the kind of a thing a wife would do. No one would guess they were married.

“Well are you going to sit?” he muttered. She didn’t move, just staring at him.

“No,” she said and shook her head.

“Well, is Chris here?”

“Yeah, but he had to go back to work when the doctor said you were okay. He didn’t want to leave, but you know how it is.”

Yeah, he knew. There were some nights he didn’t get to see Xander because he got home when he had already been put to bed.

A moment later a nurse came in with his food. She set it on the table that pulled in front of him.

Well, that was a great opportunity to ask for Xander. “Excuse,” he said, as nicely as he could. “Can my son come in? I really want to see him.”

She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, he’s allowed. I think he’s getting impatient.”

Daphne’s lips pursed, knowing how’d it look if she didn’t let him in. “I’ll get him,” she said.

She stepped outside and a few moments later, without Daphne, Xander came running in. The mere sight of him made him sit up, grinning down at him.

“Hi daddy!” he grinned and jumped up and down. It was still weird to him how identical his grin was to his. “Can I sit in your lap?”

He looked at the nurse, who smile and laughed. “Sure kid, I’ll help you up.”

He nurse helped him into his lap and Marcus held onto his hips.

“Mommy said she’s going to wait outside,” he said.

“Don’t worry about her,” he said smiling. “I’m pretty happy to see you.” He looked at the food in front of him. “Want my yogurt?”

He absolutely lit up at the mention of that.

As he watched him messily eat the yogurt, he felt a rush of guilt. He loved Xander so much, he’d been the only thing that had made him happy in recent years.

He had to get a hang of whatever was wrong with him, for himself but also so he didn’t leave Xander.

“You know I love you kid?” he asked him and ruffled his thick head of hair.

He grinned at him, his mouth covered in yogurt. “Love you too, daddy.”

* * *

After seeing a psychiatrist, it was concluded Marcus had depression and generalised anxiety disorder. And the doctor wanted him to go on medication. Marcus agreed to it, because he decided he trusted this doctor and he didn’t want to end up in the same situation.

It was also suggested for him to try and give up smoking. That was the part Marcus wasn’t too happy with, but he still decided to buy some nicotine patches to at least try.

The meds helped. He wasn’t completely without symptoms, but he actually felt he could function easier.

There was still one thing to take care of, and he’d been putting it off for thirteen years at this point.

He stepped into the master bedroom, where Daphne was sitting in the king sized bed. She looked up from her book, and her brows drew together.

“What? Something wrong with Xander?”

He shook his head. “No,” he said. He’d tucked him in and read him one of his books. He’d be sound asleep by now.

“Well, what do you want?”

“A divorce.”

Her brows rose, and she tossed her book to the side and stood up. “What?”

“I want a divorce,” he repeated.

She blinked at him, showing nothing in her face but utter confusion. Divorce had never been even thought of as a possibility, but the older Marcus got the more he understood he had control of his own life. Almost ending it made him realise that even more. Nothing was permanent, and everyone was going to die. Might as well live it as best you could when you still had it.

“Neither of us are happy,” he said. “What’s the point of even continuing?”

“Our parents will be pissed at us?”

“So fucking what? We have our own money.” And he doubted she’d be cut off because of divorce, especially when they knew the reasoning.

“Look, I’d love to divorce but you know the situation would be messy–”

“Oh fuck, look I’m gay.”

The silence in the room was tense. She stared at him for a moment, then fell back to sit on the bed.

After a moment, she shook her head, her jaw slightly clenched. “Jesus fuck,” she shook her head an ran her fingers through her hair. “I should’ve known.”

He decided he wasn’t offended by that. “Well, I want out,” he said. “I’m done.”

He heard what was possibly the biggest sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

* * *

_February 2008_

My air gets stuck/I’m scared to show just how I feel 'cause people talk

Marcus didn’t know divorces took as long as they did, and god he wished he never knew.

His parents definitely weren’t happy. He hadn’t exactly told them he was gay yet, but he was planning to get to it soon. He was done with hiding.

He and Daphne had been separated for a while. She’d gotten her own apartment, which left him at home with Xander. She seemed ready to completely push Xander away. She’d never exactly been close to him, and Xander asked where she was more in curiosity and confusion rather than actually missing her.

Mr and Mrs Greengrass weren’t happy though. They either wanted Daphne to have the majority of custody, or for them to have it. Marcus didn’t really care, and took care of Xander like he usually did.

His parents had flown into New York, his dad leaving his employees to run the LA office. They were helping out with the divorcing situation.

Daphne came over with her own parents, and his dad called him to come and talk about the situation. Xander was at school, so he didn’t have to worry about making sure he was okay before going into the living room.

“Are you two really serious about divorcing?” his dad asked, but there was some aggression in his tone. Initially both of their dads were pretty angry, and Marcus was sure by now they’d be over it.

Apparently not.

“This isn’t a good idea, you should know that,” Mr Greengrass added.

“We’re not happy,” Marcus said, his tone as steady as possible.

He dad frowned at him. “Your sisters and your brother seem perfectly happy.”

And the thing was, they were. They always spoke highly of their spouse and had he a gaggle of nieces and nephews.

He always wondered how they could do it. He didn’t understand at all. But he was the one who’d be far happier with a man, so maybe that was why he didn’t get it.

“Well, we’re not, dad,” he said. “It’s been a long time coming, and we’ve got Xander so you got a grandkid like you wanted.”

His mom shook her head. “Marriage is hard, that doesn’t mean you should just give up.”

His teeth sunk into his bottom lip. Maybe it was time to just tell them.

“Well, we’re doing it,” Daphne said and crossed her arms. “And he can take care of Xander, I don’t care.”

She didn’t care, not about her own damn son.

“You two are actually serious,” Mrs Greengrass frowned. “Is there any other reason you want to do this?”

Maybe this was his time. For once he felt like he could actually say it, and how saying it would really end this marriage.

“Actually, yes, there is a genuine reason this marriage has to end,” Marcus said and all five pairs of eyes turned to him. Before anyone else could get a word in, he said it. “I’m gay.”

The silence in the room felt like a stab in the gut.

His parents stared at him, like they were waiting for him to retract the statement.

“That’s not funny, Marcus,” his dad said.

Marcus teeth sunk into his inner cheek. He’d expected them to be a little resistant, and this could go worse than it was going.

“I’m not making a joke, dad,” he said, forcing anxiety to stay out of his voice. “I’m gay.”

His mom stared at him, and he’d never seen her look at one of children like this. It was disappointment.

He knew he no longer had to worry about being cut off or homeless. It wasn’t like his dad could cut him off. Not at his age. And Chris would step in as well, since he pretty much singlehandedly ran the New York office.

But the shame was still there. The way his dad was looking at him was cold. Like he wasn’t his son. Like he was the mud on his shoe.

Mr Greengrass was the one who broke the silence. He looked at Daphne. “If you’re not going to take care of Xander, we’re taking custody.”

“What!” Marcus cut in. “No fucking way, you’re not taking my son away from me.”

Mr Greengrass scoffed. “I don’t want someone like you to raise my grandson. You’ve confused him enough lately.”

Yeah, that hurt. A lot. He wasn’t necessarily hoping the Xander didn’t turn out like him, but he knew that for both of their sakes it would be best if he didn’t. But if he was at all like him, then so be it. He’d just have to be there for him in ways his parents never were.

“I’m not taking Xander,” Daphne said through gritted teeth. “I never wanted to be a mother, he can have him.”

She’d made that clear a long time ago. He’d been doing all the parenting since August last year and he was okay with it. But he wanted him far away from Daphne’s parents.

“Fine, we’ll take care of this in court.”

* * *

Maybe it was the anger Marcus had at his parents, maybe it was the dread of the thought of losing his son, maybe it was the relief he’d finally told people he was gay, but god, he wanted a tattoo.

He googled it and found a place nearby. They reviews seemed good enough so he drove himself there when really, he should be working. But he’d been putting off getting a tattoo for more than a decade, and he deserved one.

He started out with something small. He got a tattoo of Xander’s name and his birthday in roman numerals below it on his bicep.

Then he got a moon and sun on his chest. Then he kept getting them in places that mostly weren’t visible in most of his clothes. He’d wanted tattoos for so long, and there was no way he was going to let his parents hold him back anymore. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to lose his son either.

* * *

Oliver learnt to go through the motions of living a lie quickly.

He and Fay both knew their marriage was for Carson, but as far as anyone else knew, they were married for love.

He still hadn’t told anyone he was gay, and he still didn’t have plans to. Not yet.

Carson was growing up too quickly though. He was already nearing the end of first grade.

He was a pretty quiet kid. He didn’t really have his parents affinity for sports, and usually locked himself up in his room playing his DS. He’d gotten really obsessed with Pokemon, to the point that he wanted it to be the theme for his seventh birthday.

He made the marriage worth it. He was able to give him a normal childhood. Not parents who weren’t together. And especially not a dad that wasn’t married to his mom because he was gay.

No, he wanted to give him a normal childhood. Even if that meant being in a marriage that didn’t make him too happy. He loved Fay, she was genuinely his best friend. But he always felt a sense of guilt because he was afraid Fay might have thought differently when he asked her to marry him. That he was doing it because he had feelings for her.

Maybe he’d tell her one day but he sure as hell wasn’t doing it now.

* * *

Marcus was kind of impressed with how much he’d been able to juggle at once lately.

Taking care of Xander had its typical ups and downs when it came to parenting. He was a little confused where his mom was but he forgot about it when Marcus handed him a Captain Underpants book.

He’d spent a lot of time reading with Xander because he read considerably slower than the rest of his class. And after a trip to a child psychologist, they’d found out he was dyslexic. And after Marcus relayed all his own academic problems, Marcus found out he was as well. That whole revelation made him feel a little bit better about his trouble in academics, as well as made sense.

Chris’s reaction to it though was giving him less work to do and more time to do it. Marcus was actually okay with that.

He mostly locked himself in his office, trying to make sense of his work.

He mostly handled it, but he still felt relief when his PA called him.

“Yes, Hannah?” he asked.

“A Mr Malfoy is here to see you, sir.”

Malfoy. He knew that name, but he couldn’t think of any business reasons anyone of the Malfoy’s would be here.

Either way, he said, “Send him in.”

A moment after he set his phone down, his door opened and a man stepped in.

He was around his age, a little younger probably. He had stark blond hair that was almost white, which was indication enough to tell him he was a Malfoy.

This must’ve been the Malfoy boy who Astoria was meant to marry.

“Can I help you?” he asked, raising his brow at him.

“Uh, yeah,” he said. “I’m Draco Malfoy.”

He stopped himself from pointing out that he figured that out on his own. “I’m guessing you were engaged to my ex sister in law?”

She wasn’t an ex in law yet, but he’d already gotten into the habit of calling Daphne his ex wife.

Draco nodded. “Yep,” he said. “Uh, do you know why I didn’t marry her?”

He remembered too well. And the tone that Mr Greengrass had when he talked about him, because he felt like he was inadvertently talking about him.

“I do,” he said flatly.

He bit his lip. “Just, I heard about you and– wow, what you did and all.”

His jaw clenched for a moment. “Are you just here for a pity party?” he asked.

He shook his head. “No, I mean, just that we were in similar situations, with the same family no less, and, I guess I thought that meant I had to see you.”

He stared at him for a moment, and pressed his lips together in a thin line. “What happened? When you refused?”

He shuffled on his feet awkwardly, and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I mean, it wasn’t great. I was moved out at that point though and I wasn’t cut off at least. And I got to live with my boyfriend; we’re still together actually.”

“How nice for you,” he bit. “I probably would’ve been cut off and I had to break up with my boyfriend.” He didn’t mean to sound so bitter but whenever he thought about the extent of which he forced himself to stay closeted, he felt sick. When he got too deep, he reminded himself that he got Xander out of it. Usually he called him the best thing, but really, he was the only good thing he got out of the marriage.

Draco bit his lip. “Sorry, I should’ve known how that sounded,” he said. “I thought it was worth showing and telling you it’s not as bad as you’d probably think, especially with how long you’ve probably been hiding it.”

Eighteen years. When he included from when he knew, eighteen dreadful years. Years he’d never get back because he harboured so much fear and maybe some internalised shame too.

Right now though, his plan was to be a great dad to Xander. Maybe he’d date if he met someone he liked, but he cared more about Xander right now. And maybe his expectations were slightly too high. He’d never even dated, Daphne was handed to him and he and Oliver dated, but there was not necessarily a courtship. He just had the balls to kiss him.

“Well, I appreciate it, I guess,” he said. “You and this guy are seriously still together?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, Harry and I’ve been together since high school.”

He imagined him and Oliver with that life, what that could’ve been like. If they could’ve even had that.

He hadn’t seen him since that day at pride, fourteen years ago now. A piece of him kind of missed him, but he decided that that was simply nostalgia.

“Thats…” he trailed off, trying to think of the right word. He still felt a sense of bitterness, but he shouldn’t take it out on Draco. It wasn’t his fault. “Great,” he said.

He nodded, and gave him a weak smile. “Look, times have definitely changed. I think they’re going to continue to change. Who knows, this country might allow us queers to marry.”

That made him snort. “Yeah, I don’t think that’ll happen.”

Might talking to him did help. If he was better at expressing gratitude, he might’ve thanked him.

Draco let himself out, and Marcus fell against his chair, staring at the ceiling.

Even if love didn’t find him, his biggest concern was definitely his only concern right now anyway. But he’d try to hold onto Draco’s words for some help.

* * *

_November 2010_

I’ll do this my way/Don’t matter if I break

Marcus could finally now not only call himself a free man, but also the one who had full custody of his son.

Mr and Mrs Greengrass weren’t too pleased, making statements that he’d make Xander gay and that he’d make a terrible parents and bullshit like that. He’d expected all kinds of negative statements from them, but at least he was finally out of this god forsaken marriage.

He hadn’t seen Daphne after the divorce got finalised. All she did to Xander was ruffle his hair and said bye to him, but more in a way you’d treat a neighbours kid than your own.

Xander seemed to adjust quickly. He asked some questions at first, but they stopped after a while. He was old enough to understand the concept of divorce, and when he asked him if he knew what being gay meant, he told him that was what he was. Usurprisingly, he just shrugged in response, not having the serious problem the Greengrass’s and Marcus’s own parents was sure he’d have.

Marcus’s parents weren’t really pleased with his confession. They’d gotten a little better with time, and his siblings were actually the most fine with it. They’d also really supported him in getting custody of Xander. Mr and Mrs Greengrass were ready to do anything to get custody, and they seemed ready to use his sexuality against him. But they didn’t. He assumed they didn’t want to damage their reputation even more. Your son in law divorcing your daughter because he’s gay was probably the most embarrassing thing they could imagine.

He was more than excited to spend Thanksgiving with his siblings though. Their parents had gone to Peru which left them to go to Chris’s place, Jules and Amy flying in with their husbands and kids. He hadn’t seen his brothers in law for a pretty long time, before he’d even came out actually. Jules and Amy had said their respective husbands didn’t have a problem with it, so that was good at least. It turned out actually that Amy’s eldest daughter Emma was a lesbian, and he hadn’t seen her in too many years. Amy had said the kids knew why he and Daphne divorced, Jules’s kids were really young though which was why they didn’t. Chris’s twin boys knew it too well since they were there to witness too much of the divorce process.

When Jules and Amy walked into Chris’s dining room, he greeted both with hugs and joyful laughs. Xander got excited at the sight of Jules’s kids and went to play with them in the other room, Jules shouting at them to not break anything as they charged into the other room.

“They grow up to quickly,” Jules said, with a fond smile.

Marcus nodded. “Definitely,” he said.

Amy looked at him with a weak smile. “So, are you okay?” she asked. “How’ve you been?”

He shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I got my son at least.”

She nodded. “The Greengrass’s are nasty, honestly.”

“Mom, you know you can swear around us,” her daughter Emma said behind her as she stepped in. She grinned at Marcus. “Hey uncle Marcus,” she said.

He smiled. “Hey, Emmsey,” he said. “Someone’s grown.”

She had to be sixteen by now, and she definitely had the classic Flint genes. Dark curly hair, a strong gene if he saw one. She looked exactly like Amy, she even had her smile.

“Yeah, you need to come back to LA,” Amy said.

He wanted to, he’d wanted to for so long. He missed LA. But he was still debating on whether or not to move back. He kind of wanted to wait until Xander had graduated high school, he didn’t really want to separate him from his friends. But god, he missed LA like hell.

“I’ll come visit sometimes, promise,” he smiled.

* * *

Oliver always had a weird fear of ruining holidays.

Holidays to him had always been a thing you should try and keep things happy, to try and avoid all possible arguments.

But honestly, holidays were like a game of Monopoly. You could only expect disaster, and Oliver felt like he had to get the truth out.

He wasn’t planning to, but he’d realised it was time. He’d successfully put it off for so long that it felt like he could do it forever, or at least until Carson was eighteen. But there was a constant nagging thought that wanted him to do it. To the point that he felt like he was going to burst. He’d been waiting for something, a sign he guessed, to push him. But that sign hadn’t come yet.

He excused himself from Thanksgiving dinner at his parent’s place for a smoke break. He didn’t miss his mothers grunt about how she’d wished he’d quit. Oliver liked to think he still did it because it helped him hold onto a piece of him he hid and lost long ago. But that was probably the addiction talking. He really should at least try nicotine patches.

For his mother’s sake, he didn’t smoke by the front door and stood at the nature strip, blowing smoke into the night air.

As he stood, he saw a man walking down the sidewalk. Oliver paid him no mind, and continued to smoke.

“Wood? Is that you?”

He turned his head around, seeing said man holding onto a dog. Well, holding onto him on a leash. It took him a moment to realise who it was.

“Charlie Weasley?” he laughed. “Hey, haven’t seen you since we were kids.”

He’d spent most of the past few years at his own house, especially after he and Fay got married. The last time he’d seen Charlie – and Bill too – wasn’t probably his senior year of college during Thanksgiving.

“Too long,” he agreed. “How’s your Thanksgiving going?”

“Good, I guess.” There wasn’t anything particularly standout-ish. Amelia and her husband, as well as their son Robbie were nice to see. He’d been thinking about a lot lately, especially his and Fay’s marriage. This was the moment of peace he was desperate for. “You? You’re the one with the big family after all.”

He laughed. “It’s surprisingly quiet, this year. First time we’re all here in a while. My sister and youngest brother brought my new sister and brother in laws this year. Well, I say new but it’s been like two years.”

He smiled. “Some guy snatched up your little sister finally?”

He shook his head, looking like he was going to laugh. “No, that’d be the sister in law. And my brother in law is married to my little brother. They got married before Prop 8 came in.”

Oliver was kind of caught off guard, to say the least. He knew people’s attitudes towards gay people had changed since he was a teenager, even when he was in college, but there was something so unfamiliar about someone talking so casually about their siblings being that way. Being like him. The thought of one day, maybe, Amelia doing this with him if he married another man – if Prop 8 was ever gone at least – and it coming out easily. He’d been really thinking about actually being honest, and not waiting for Carson to be eighteen. That had become an excuse, his way of putting it off for more and more years. But a piece of him didn’t want to be sixty years old and still hiding it, while in a marriage that was only one in the most platonic sense.

It scared him, the idea of hiding it for so long. He didn’t want that for himself. It made him nauseous.

Maybe this was his sign to finally come out.

He gave Charlie a smile. “Oh that’s cool,” he said.

He laughed. “Yeah, the joke in the family is that our parents had so many of us, more than one being gay was inevitable; well, Ron’s bi but you get my point.”

He nodded. “Yeah, but yeah Prop 8 is real shit.”

He nodded. “At least they can like, stay married. That’s the plus. They’d both wanted to get married for years.”

“Took too long,” he nodded.

That made him wonder if he had never married Fay and had dated a man if he would’ve been married by now.

Charlie nodded. “So, I should get back. My mom makes a big deal about dinner. But hey, don’t be a stranger.”

He nodded and smiled. “See you around.”

After Charlie walked off, he dropped his cigarette and crushed it with his foot and went back inside.

The rest of the night was pretty complicated. Oliver didn’t want to tell his parents just yet, he could worry about it later.

When they got home, stomachs stuffed with turkey, Fay put Carson to bed. He watched her from the doorway, letting her have this since she’d been cursed with night shifts a lot lately.

He had to tell her. He really did. It was unfair to her at this point.

He stepped into their room and sat on the bed. It was actually time, no more putting it off. Unlike when he struggled to even wrap his mouth around the words, he felt like he was going to burst if he didn’t tell her soon.

She walked into their room with a smile on her face. “I think he’s gonna sleep well,” she said as she slipped off her heels and coat and put them away.

He nodded and smiled. “Good,” he said and stood up. “Hey, Fay? I need to tell you something.”

She turned from the dresser she was standing at to him, and frowned. “Yeah?”

He licked his lip nervously. “I know I should’ve told you this a long time ago, I really do. But, Fay, I’m gay.”

She stared at him. There was no shock, horror, disgust, or even confusion. He actually saw what he least expected, relief.

“Yeah, Oliver, I think I knew.”

Oh. “Really?”

She rested her back against the dresser. “Well, obviously I didn’t know-know. It’s just a lot of clues. Like not wanting to date me or any girl. And how even though we’re married, you never even kissed me, much less have sex with more. Or show any desire to.”

He ran his hand through his hair awkwardly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve told you.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.”

There was the pang of guilt he was waiting for.

“So, I’m guessing you’re telling me because you want a divorce?”

He shoulders slumped. “I don’t know, I felt I should tell you at least.”

“But do you think a divorce would be best?”

He bit his lip. “I don’t know, because Carson–”

“Carson’s a strong kid, and he’s old enough to know what divorce is and handle it.”

That wasn’t necessarily wrong. But he married Fay so Carson can have a good childhood.

And as if she read his thoughts, Fay said, “And do you really think it’s good for Carson to have parents who are miserable with each other?”

He hated that she was right.

He took a deep breath. “So, what do we have to do to get a divorce?”

* * *

_September 2013_

I’m sick of losing soulmate/so where do we begin

Marcus still wasn’t sure if going on a date was a good idea.

Xander was old enough to stay home on his own, so that wasn’t the problem. But he’d been out of the loop on dating for so long that he wasn’t sure where to begin. He’d heard about dating apps, and there were one’s elusively for men which shocked him, but he felt weird about doing that.

That’s where Draco came in. The second he said he wanted to try dating, he was ready to find him his soulmate.

The guy was nice, he’d give him that. They went to a nice restaurant and had a nice dinner but it lacked the most important thing.

A spark. There wasn’t even a fizzle between them.

It’s not that they didn’t get along, or that he even disliked the guy a little. But there was nothing that really worked between them that screamed couple.

When he got home that night, he pulled out something he hadn’t seen in a long time. Mostly because it hurt.

He stepped into the walk in closet and found the old shoebox. He knelt to the floor and opened the lid, finding the one thing in it.

The polaroid of him and Oliver at pride was old. Almost twenty years now.

He barely recognised himself. He was younger, happier, with someone he really loved.

He’d tried telling himself that he’d been a kid and that what he’d felt wasn’t love, it was infatuation. But he kind of doubted that. Partly because of how happy the kid looked in the photo, but mostly because a piece of him was still at least a little in love with Oliver.

Or who he was when they were teenagers. He wasn’t sure if he’d still love him if he met him again as an adult. People change after all.

He wondered what he was even doing with his life. If he was still in LA. If he’d come out. If he’d married a man and was now living the life he deserved with him.

He stood up, still holding onto the old polaroid and walked to his bed.

Instead of the old shoebox, he put the photo in the top draw of his bedside table.

* * *

The benefit of meeting Charlie’s two youngest siblings was that he finally had queer friends. Ron and Ginny, as well as their spouses Viktor and Luna, were great people and it was nice to have people to talk to who understood him.

The down side was that they tried their damn hardest to set him up on dates.

He and Fay had been officially divorced for a year and a half. They had a fair custody arrangement – he gets Carson for the first two weeks of the month, Fay gets the rest – and it was a good divorce, as far as divorces went he guessed. They didn’t hated each other for one thing and Carson didn’t yell or scream at any point.

He did tell him why they divorced. He knew what being gay meant, so that made telling a little him bit easier. He’d probably have more questions when he got older, but even at twelve he hadn’t asked many questions.

Carson being at Fays was when he went on dates. He hadn’t gone on a lot but Ginny had helped him set up a Tinder profile. He’d used it a little and had gone on a few dates, but none of them resulted in a second. He’d gone on a few dates a few times, and sometimes he had sex with them, sometimes he didn’t. Explaining why he hadn’t had sex since he was eighteen was surprisingly easy, probably since he refused to go on dates with anyone below thirty-five. Men around his age understood his struggles best, and he’d rather have that.

The biggest problem though was no one stuck. He’d tried, but even guys he did genuinely like weren’t enough to try anything serious.

He wasn’t bothered too much, but dating someone seriously would be nice.

Ginny seemed to think so too because she was still trying to set him up with people. Ron could tell somehow it was a bit much for him, and had asked him if he wanted him to ask her to slow it down. He said no, just because he knew she meant well.

Maybe he’d find his soulmate by accident. Maybe he’d find him through Ginny’s over enthusiasm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings:  
> Suicide attempt  
> Depression  
> Overdosing  
> Homophobia
> 
>  
> 
> BTW, yes, I know I had a character named Xander in Nothing Left to Lose but I've had this idea for a super long time, as well as these characters and I didn't want to rename him after loving him for so long.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop! Last chapter is here! I'm so happy with this and I really hope you guys like where this goes.

_September 2017_

_And that feeling will never leave/Different than all the highs my life his a new high_

The moving van was gone, leaving Marcus with a mess of unopened boxes and a teenager who’d already retreated to his room, headphones on.

Marcus had forgotten how different New York was from LA. After living in New York for so long, he’d realised how much he’d missed LA.

He wasn’t planning to move back, but his dad finally retired and he wanted Marcus to run the LA office with Amy. Marcus would never be able to run an office on his own, and if anything Amy would be doing most of the work. Their dad probably expected Jules to do something but she ended up moving to Florida with her husband.

Xander didn’t really react in anger over moving, he didn’t seem as bothered as he expected he’d would. He said he could just Skype his friends anyway, and he was kind of extroverted which made thing easier. Marcus was the opposite of an extrovert, so that must’ve been from Daphne.

That house they had was bigger than the one in New York. And it had a pool. So that was cool. He did feel weird about spoiling Xander though. He wasn’t spoiled when he was a kid, and he was trying to do the best with Xander. He’d known too many spoiled kids in high school and they were irritating snobs. Xander didn’t seem to be like that though, thank god.

It felt kind of nice to be away from New York. That felt like a piece of the life he forced himself to live, and even if he still had the lawyer career, he didn’t have to lie about himself anymore.

He was still on medication, and it was the only thing that got him through most days. The only bad part was that now that Xander understood what he saw at a young age now, he always asked and checked up to make sure he’d taken his medication. He hated the idea that he was so worried about him. He’d tried his best to be a good dad though. He wanted him to know he was doing a lot better, and while he got bad days sometimes he wasn’t as bad as he was ten years ago.

Moving back to LA had some ups and downs for himself. Draco and Harry had been his only friends but they were back in New York. The only person he had was Amy. He hadn’t even kept in contact with people he was friendly with in high school.

He was okay with being alone, it wasn’t too big of a problem. It just wasn’t his first choice. Work wasn’t even a priority for him, not as much as it should be. Xander had always been, but now that he was a teenager he was far more interested in being on his own.

He wasn’t too excited to start work again. Meeting new people wasn’t something he was too great at. He had enough difficulty opening up to Draco when they first met, and even more when he met Harry.

Maybe he should get back into working out. Not that he talked to people in the gym but it was better than going from home to work to home to work, and then going to get groceries when needed.

He’d successfully given up smoking a few years ago, and his old therapist always talked about exercising causing endorphins and that would make him feel better or something like that. He was a little sporty in high school, if skateboarding counted but he hadn’t even thought about exercising in years.

Before he could even think of doing that though, he had a lot of things to unpack.

* * *

The whole thing with fairly split custody was a lot better when Carson was younger.

He was ageing way faster that Oliver liked. He’d gotten his licence a few months ago and had gotten a part time job, working to getting his own car. It was like he was a few years older every time he blinked.

He was trying to work on things in his own life, that didn’t involve work or Carson. He still hadn’t really clicked enough with any guys, and dating had been really minimal. His friends were still trying to set him up with guys but he must’ve had higher standards than he thought.

It was nice to have some friends though, specifically it was nice to have queer friends. He’d only had friends who were straight for so long that it was a breath of fresh air.

He’d met more and more people over time, like Ron’s friends Hermione, Dean, and Seamus. Dean and Seamus were married, and had apparently been dating since high school. They weren’t that much younger than him so he wondered how that experience must’ve been like. If they had family troubles, social troubles, even legal difficulties.

There were some other friends they’d introduced him to. He was overall better friends with them than the straight people he knew. He didn’t even talk to Cedric anymore. It was overall really comforting to have friends that were like him.

He was kind of over being single though. Being around so many couples was causing a little bit of a strain on him. He knew the perfect guy wasn’t going to just show up on his doorstep but he wished dating was easier. He wished he could just jump to when he had a boyfriend and not suffer through the before stage.

Of course, that wasn’t how things worked and he had to keep on looking.

* * *

The downside of Xander getting his own car when he got his licence was that he couldn’t drive him to school on the first day. Xander left with only a quick bye, his uniform not exactly as neat as it probably should be. But Marcus didn’t care, he at least wasn’t going to Saint Hell, he’d made the decision that Xander was going to stay far away from Catholic school.

He’d already started working at the LA office. But he was giving himself the day off to go to the gym.

There was a pretty good gym in the city, and after joining it, he changed in the locker rooms before walking out to the equipment.

He went to a treadmill and set it to a setting that wasn’t too fast – because his stamina was definitely not what it used to be – and got into a pace quickly, a bottle of water next to him.

It was proven quickly just how bad his stamina was, because after five minutes he needed to sit down.

He sat at one of the benches, ignoring the feeling of sweat that wasn’t his. He drank down his water as he kind of people watched. He wasn’t really focussing on anything, that is until one of the workers passed him, and when he got a slight glimpse of his face his entire body froze.

He stood up, a little too quickly and almost dropped his water, a chocked curse coming from his lips as he caught it, some drips of water spilling. He stepped a few steps forward, and the worker slowed his pace, probably hearing his less than graceful reaction.

Marcus stared, definitely long enough to be creepy. His mouth was gaped open, and it felt like his throat had closed up. The word came out in a crack.

“Oliver?”

That made him turn around and then the aged face of the only person he’d loved stared back at him.

Oliver stared at him, his face in shock and his mouth gaped open. He definitely recognised him too. Oliver’s face was etched into his memory from staring at the old photograph of them when he missed him, he’d recognise him anywhere. He didn’t know if it was the same for Oliver, since he had more than enough candid pictures of him, but either way he knew exactly who he was.

“Marcus?” he asked, his voice unsure. He stepped forward to him, as if he was afraid he’d disappear if he moved.

He couldn’t imagine what they looked like from an outsiders perspective, but they couldn’t stop staring at each other.

Twenty-three years of thinking they’d never see each other again and they were looking at each other right now.

Oliver seemed to be the first to snap out of it. He blinked at him, and said, “Follow me.”

He turned and stalked off in a straight line. That snapped him out of it and he followed him to a back door that lead somewhere outside. When the door closed behind them, it was back to staring at each other.

He wasn’t sure what he was planning to do when he saw him, he was just beyond shocked to see him. The thought of him still living in LA hadn’t occurred to him, nor did he think he’d end up at a gym he worked at.

He still remembered barely making it home when he dropped him off for the last time. He remembered avoiding eye contact from everyone, escaping to his room and crying to the point he couldn’t even breathe. Having the feeling he’d be trapped in his marriage and the closet forever.

Now he was only within arms reach.

Oliver was the first to speak. “So, uh, when did you move back to LA?” he voice was small, and Marcus couldn’t say anything different with his own when he replied.

“Few weeks ago,” he said and swallowed. This wasn’t the reaction he’d expected. He’d spent so long convinced Oliver hated him, if anything he should be yelling at him for ever leaving him, for choosing his privileged life over a life with him. That’s what he deserved. He deserved him to never love him again and to want nothing to do with him.

But he was looking at him with big brown eyes, like he was still shocked by what was in front of him. He took a step forward and reached his hand out, and his fingers brushed against his cheek. His skin tingled at the touch and his hand covered Oliver’s, fiddling with his fingers.

“Wait,” Oliver said and took hold of his hand. He stared at his fingers and his brows furrowed together. He was confused why until he spoke again. “Why aren’t you wearing a ring?”

Oh right, that was kind of important. “Uh, we divorced almost ten years ago.”

Oliver met his eye and stared at him. It was a blank expression, not anger or sadness, just a blank, hollow expression. “Why?”

Well that wasn’t a conversation he needed to have with him. “It’s a long story,” he said. “It was big, but I got my kid out of it after his mom fucked off. Her parents really wanted him when they found out I was gay,” he ended it with a laugh. It was a tough situation to talk about and he always tried his hardest to sugarcoat it with a laugh.

But Oliver frowned instead. “They know you’re gay?”

He chewed on his lip. He didn’t really want to tell him about his suicide attempt, so he tried to change the subject. “Yep, why? You still closeted?”

He shook his head. “No, not anymore. Was in there for a while.” He clearly wasn’t getting the full story and Oliver was definitely getting that impression from him too.

They’d missed almost two and a half decades of each other’s lives. Of course things would be different.

Oliver cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. “Look, uh, my next client should be here soon so I can’t really stay and chat. But if you want to see each other again, do you want to get lunch or something?”

He blinked at him. Lunch, that was weirdly platonic to him. And they weren’t ever really platonic. That was short lived but he remembered himself at sixteen and watching Oliver pass the skate park every day and wondering if he’d ever get the nerve to talk to whoever that cute boy was.

But his mind raced at the idea of seeing him again. That he wasn’t a teenager who had to live by his parents anymore. He could see Oliver and not look over his shoulder just in case.

Not that it was a date, he wasn’t going to let his mind trick himself into thinking it was. They’d just be two men getting lunch together, their past wasn’t necessary in that.

“Uh, yeah,” he nodded and thankfully, his voice didn’t crack. “I’ll give you my number and I can text you, okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “I really gotta go though. Work and all.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

* * *

Oliver tried to get a track of what had happened that day.

He went to work like any other day, a protein shake with him, he finished off with his first client, went to get some water before his next came and out of nowhere Marcus Flint appeared.

There were so many days he’d really miss Marcus. Days he was overtly aware of his tattoo that it felt like it was burning on his skin.

He hated that Marcus looked the same. The scar on his cheekbone was now in the company of tiny piercing scars. He looked like a watered down version of himself, like the forty-three year old dad he was.

He did want to see him again, and he actually had his number to do so. He’d sometimes thought about looking him up but trying to find you ex boyfriend so ling after breaking up didn’t feel like the smartest idea.

But he was here and he and his wife were divorced. He knew there was more to what he’d told him, but when they saw each other he was going to take what he could get.

He didn’t expect they’d get back together. But he wanted to see him, to know what kind of life he had without him in it. He knew he had a kid, and he was surprised to hear that he was the only one raising him.

He probably should tell him about Carson and his marriage. That should be the first thing he should cover when he saw him.

When he got home, Carson was already in his room. He banged on his door, and after a grunted ‘what’, he opened the door. He was lazily laid on his bed, his laptop balanced on his stomach.

“Want pizza tonight?” he asked.

“Sure,” he said not even taking his eyes off of the screen.

He called the pizza place and settled himself in the living room. He checked his phone and his heart started to race when he saw Marcus had texted him.

Marcus: _so are you free this weekend to meet up?_

He felt himself smile, and his mind raced to try and figure out the right way to reply.

God, it was like he was a teenager again and he was shy when he went to sit with him at the skatepark. He hadn’t felt this bashfulness since then, not even the guys he did date in the past few years made him feel like that.

He bit his lip as he texted him back, deciding on the right words.

Oliver: _I am, do you have any places in mind_?

Marcus: _Well I have been in New York for quite some time, you probably would know the best place to go_

Right, and he felt really embarrassed for being that naive. And every single damn restaurant seemed to erase from his brain.

Oliver: _How about somewhere in West Hollywood? Or is that too gay?_

When he clicked send, he wanted to get it back. He was trying to be funny but reading it back, he questioned how he could’ve thought he could’ve.

Marcus’s reply took a moment, too long of a moment.

Marcus: _I don’t live too far from West Hollywood actually, we could go to this nice Starbucks if you’d like_

Okay, he didn’t completely crash and burn. He smiled and replied back to tell him that it worked and they could work out a time later.

He sighed, falling back against the couch, and felt a certain amount of relief. He decided he was so nervous because he hadn’t seen him so long. They had so much history that the idea of going out to see him like this induced to much anxiety.

He was thankful when the door bell rang and the pizza was there.

“Carson!” he called when he set the boxes onto the countertop. His phone was set on the counter next to it, and it buzzed as he got another text from Marcus.

He picked up his phone and it felt like his heart was in his throat when he read it.

Marcus: _okay, text me soon :)_

It was the smile, and he didn’t get why that made him so embarrassed. Ginny loved using emojis, it’s not like it was new to him.

Maybe he still needed to process he was talking to Marcus. He still had old candid photos of him, he kept them in a photo album with all his old polaroids. He’d kind of stopped photography when he got to college, most of it being replaced with his phone acting as his camera, but the thought of polaroids made him nostalgic.

“What are you smiling at?”

He almost jumped when he heard Carson’s voice, and looked up at him when he took his own pizza box.

He stuffed his phone in his pocket. “Just a joke, it’s from the 90’s you wouldn’t get it.” He fumbled over his words, and while he got a raised brow, Carson seemed to just shrug it off and take his pizza into his room.

He bit his lip and looked at the message Marcus had sent him again, and let himself smile before he replied.

Oliver: _you do know you can use emoji right?_

Marcus: _:)_

He didn’t now why he did, but he laughed. He laughed hard enough to know that Carson definitely looked out his door wondering what the hell was so funny.

He didn’t have dreams of getting back together because they were different people now, but talking to him like this made him forget that. He didn’t want to still be in love with the boy he knew as a kid, if by some miracle they started to date again he wanted to love who he was now. It would never help being stuck in the past.

Either way, he couldn’t wait to see him that weekend.

* * *

Like planned, they met at a Starbucks in West Hollywood. It was a little bit a longer drive for Oliver, but not out of his way.

He hadn’t been to West Hollywood enough in his life. The rainbow crosswalk was something he was still taken aback by because he’d never pictured the day that kind of acceptance would exist. He could feel it in the cities air, it was normal, and it was accepted here. In most of LA really.

Marcus was already outside when he got there, and for some reason it brought him back to the days Marcus was always waiting for him at the skatepark, pack of cigarettes ready to share.

Yeah, he really needed to quit smoking.

He’d hoped the texting had eased some of the tension between them, and from what he could tell it had, because when Marcus smiled at him his stomach felt like it was in knots, but the good kind.

“I’m surprised you chose Starbucks,” Marcus said as they walked inside.

“Why?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“I distinctly remember you hating coffee.”

He smiled and laughed. “Still do,” he nodded. “I’m just getting one of the juices.” He was surprised he remembered that at all. He’d assumed Marcus would barely remember him at this point. Like he was just a ghost of the person he’d known.

“I still smoke though, so I can’t pin it to health reasons,” he added.

Marcus gave him a smile. “You really still smoke?” he asked. “That’s definitely my fault.”

He snorted and shook his head. “No, I’d smoked before I ever knew you.”

They got their drinks and sat at a table.

They sat in silence in a moment, Oliver chewing on his lip.

“So, you and you’re wife divorced?” he asked, finally getting the nerve to bring it up.

Marcus’s finger tapped the table and he set his coffee mug down. “Yep,” he said. “I told them I was gay, and at that point in my life I was old enough for them to not make the decision anymore.”

“And you’re wife really left you with your kid?”

He nodded. “Yeah, she was never close to him– his name’s Xander.”

“With an X?” he nodded. “That’s just like you,” he smiled.

Marcus smiled back at him. “He’s a big boy now, it’s not like when he was a kid and would ask where his mom was.”

He nodded. “Kids can be tough,” he mumbled. “I, uh, I guess I should tell you. I was married– to a woman.”

He blinked at him. “You, I’m sorry, please explain.”

He licked his lip. “I got really drunk one night, and a good friend of mine was there too. And I just, well, I saw this article about you and you wife and how she was pregnant. I think in my drunken state I was really mad at you, and thought it’d make sense to sleep with her. Not that I remember it, which shows how drunk I was.”

“And she got pregnant?”

He nodded. “She got pregnant, and I didn’t want to be that jerk that left her as a single mom. So I married her. I also just wanted Carson to have a normal life, I didn’t want to give him a live where his parents were never even together, where his dad wasn’t with his mom because he was gay.”

“So what happened?”

He took a sip of his drink, looking at that rather than Marcus’s face. “I couldn’t live with it anymore. So I told my wife, and surprisingly she didn’t hate me. We were always better off as friends anyway.”

Marcus bit his lip. “How old is he?”

“Sixteen.”

“So is Xander,” he said. “Teenagers are tough, it makes me wonder what a shit I was at his age.”

He smiled. “You weren’t too bad,” he said. “I liked you enough.”

“Yeah,” he said. “You were pretty okay too.”

He met his eye again, and saw he was biting his lip into a smile.

God, what were they even doing? How were they meant to even talk to each other? This was a bad idea, they hadn’t even seen each other in so many years but they were still trying to act like they could go off as friends.

“Can I ask you something?” Marcus said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Uh, yeah?” he asked.

Marcus took another sip of his his coffee and the froth got on his upper lip. He tried to keep his eyes on his and not make it look like he was staring at his lips.

“Did you ever hate me for what I did?”

He stared at him, it was suddenly a lot easier to not stare at his lips.

“What?” he asked, frowning at him.

“What I did, leaving you and everything. Being too much of a coward and all.”

He bit his lip. “No, of course not Marcus,” he said.

“Not even a little?” he asked, disbelief in his tone.

He shook his head. “No,” he confirmed. “I guess even then I understood then why you did it.”

“Like my parents cutting me off?”

He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Would’ve they really done that?”

“Oh yeah,” he nodded. “They would’ve. Even now they not totally happy with me being gay, they more so tolerate it I guess. My niece is a lesbian though.”

He smiled. “Oh cool, I always admired how kids are more comfortable coming out. Like, things have changed a lot since we were kids.”

He nodded. “Oh yeah, they have. Though there have been some people much more brave than us. I actually did meet this guy that was set up for my ex’s sister, turned out he was gay and ran off with his boyfriend. They’re still together.”

“So basically us with a happier ending?”

He bit his lip and nodded. “Yep, us with a happier ending.”

Oliver wasn’t ready to let things fall into silence, so he spoke quickly. “I actually, uh, have friends who are queer now. That’s pretty great.”

Marcus gave him a relieved smile. “How’d you meet them?”

“These guys I knew as a kid, their brother’s bi and their sister’s a lesbian. They introduced me to more people. Pretty sure I no longer have a straight friend outside of my ex wife. And Carson, if he counts,” he laughed.

“Oh god, all I had back in New York was that one gay guy and sort of, kind of his boyfriend.”

He smiled. “It’s definitely changed things. It’s nice to have people around me that get me.”

He went to take another sip, and he’d only just realised it was empty. He glanced at Marcus’s mug and saw that it was empty too.

Well, he guessed they were done.

They stood up and left together. They stood by the front for a few moments, looking at one another a little awkwardly.

“Do you wanna see each other again?” Marcus asked, scratching the back of his head. “This kinda felt too…” he trailed off, biting his lip.

“Open?” he prompted.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Not used to that for us.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I get you,” he said. “Do you want to meet up at my house next weekend? Carson’s gonna be at his moms and I think we’re both much better in a casual situation.”

He smiled at him. Almost relived. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

* * *

Xander wasn’t the type to ask questions, but it was fair of him to ask where he was going on a Saturday, especially after going to get coffee so suddenly.

“So, you’re just meeting a friend?” Xander repeated his words with a raised brow.

“Yep,” he nodded, slipping his shoes on. “I haven’t seen him much since I moved to Jersey for college.”

He blinked at him, and tilted his head to the side. “Okay then,” he said. “Did you–”

“Yes, I took my meds,” he said and before he could get anything else in, he ruffled Xander’s hair like he was still seven years old. He shooed his hand away. “I’ll be home later tonight, you can order pizza if I get home too late.”

He left Xander before he could say anything else.

While he drove to Oliver’s, he felt a put of guilt in his stomach. He still felt a certain amount of shame for what he’d done to Xander. His head wasn’t in a sound place, or a healthy place, and he hadn’t thought about anything but how empty he felt. He hadn’t wanted Xander to be the one to find him, and he hated he was still so affected by it. He’d been trying his hardest to make up for it and be twice as good as a dad he was before, and he was already being the best dad he could. Thankfully, Xander isn’t going through a hating his parents phase, and they were decently close. Closer than he was with disown parents at least.

He found Oliver’s house quickly enough. It was a simple suburban, nothing that stands out in the street.

When he knocked on the door, Oliver answered really quickly. He smiled at him, the same smile he had in the old polaroid.

“Hey,” he said and let him in. He took off his shoes and walked into the foyer and Oliver closed the door behind him. “Want anything to drink?” he asked as he lead him to the living room.

“Just a water,” he smiled and sat on the couch. Oliver went to the kitchen and came back with two glasses of water. He sat next to him, handing him his glass.

He thought of small talk question he could ask him, but frankly all he could think about was his lips. Kissing those lips for the first time in twenty-three years was definitely far from a problem.

“Nice place,” he said instead.

He shrugged. “Nothing like what you’re used to I’m sure.”

Okay fair. His eye caught a picture of Oliver with a teenage boy, one that looked exactly like him actually.

“That your kid?” he asked, nodding towards the photo. Oliver followed his eyes and smiled with a nod.

“Yep, that’s him,” he said, and smiled.

“Looks like a good kid,” he said.

He nodded. “He is. He’s saving up for a car.”

He smiled at that. He wasn’t able to relate to that, because he had the money to get Xander a car. But Xander had his own virtues.

He took out his phone. “I’ll show you a picture of my kid,” he said and went to get the picture he wanted. He showed it to Oliver and he smiled.

“He looks like you,” he said. “Minus the piercings, but he even has the band t-shirts.”

He laughed and nodded. “Xander basically inherited everything from me,” he said. “He’s more like a mini me than my son.”

“We’re acting like such dad’s, aren’t we?” Oliver asked. “Boasting about our kids and all.”

Marcus cocked his head to the side. “You want to talk more about us?” he asked.

He shrugged. “There’s stuff to talk about, you know?”

He smiled and took a sip of his water. “What do you want to talk about then?”

He bit his lip and said, “Did you ever end up getting tattoos like you wanted?”

He grinned at that. That was something he could for sure talk about.

He rolled up the sleeves of the button up he was wearing and showed him the scarce ink on his arms. “There’s some here, and I’ve got more than that.”

Oliver brushed his finger against his skin, looking at the ink. God, was he always this touchy?

“I got one on my ankle,” he said.

He looked at him with intrigue. “Let me see,” he said.

Oliver seemed hesitant but he brought his foot onto the couch and pushed up his pant leg. Marcus could see a simple rose, no colouring just black lines.

“That looks cool,” he said. “Must’ve hurt like a bitch.”

He nodded as he put his foot onto the floor. “It did,” he said. “Uh, actually, do you remember that time you randomly drew on me when we were in your car?”

“That was a really long time ago, Oliver,” he laughed, a little confused. Then disappointment crossed Oliver’s face.

Oh god, the memory hit him like bricks. Them, comfortably hanging out in his car. Him being weird and drawing on him.

The fucking rose he drew on him.

“You… you got a tattoo of some rose I drew on you?”

“It seemed like a good idea when I did it,” he said. “And I don’t regret it honestly.”

He didn’t need to say it. He’d missed him. He’d missed him enough to get that tattoo to remind himself of him. God, he really did never hate him.

“I’ve got more tattoos on my chest,” he said, his voice shaking a little.

He blinked at him. If they were straight, this would be a normal thing friends would say and show the other, because tattoos were manly or whatever.

Mostly, he wanted him to see how he had his own way of remembering him.

On a whim a couple of years ago during pride, he got an olive branch tattoo over his heart. He wanted to say it was there, but he wanted him to see it.

“Can I see it?” Oliver asked. There was an attempt to make it sound casual but it was like there was something in his throat stopping him. It felt like they were both close to coming undone, and they were both holding back. He didn’t think Oliver invited him to get back together. But after showing him his tattoo, it was like they both became so aware of what they had, what they could’ve been. The pictures of their sons was the only reminder they were different people now.

But it didn’t matter. It stopped mattering when he touched his skin.

“Sure,” he said and he started to unbutton his shirt. Even half way, Oliver could see most of the front of his torso was covered.

But that seemed to be his least priority, because his eyes were on the left of his chest.

“Is… is that an olive branch over your heart?” he asked, his voice small.

He swallowed, and he’d realised he’d leaned closer, probably trying to get a better look at it.

He felt like he was going to explode, and if Oliver touched him again he just might.

Instead, he did something much worse. He looked at him.

He met his eye and bit his lip. He looked like he was thinking. And doing it while staring at him wasn’t helping.

They stared at each other for a moment, and it was like they decided at the same time that the tension was too much to ignore anymore.

Oliver was the one who broke first though.

“Oh, fuck it.”

And Oliver practically jumped at him, roughly pressing their lips together.

Marcus gasped against his lips and kissed him back, and Oliver straddled himself onto his lap.

God fucking shit. Any logic he had was gone, he needed his. He missed this. He desperately wanted this. It was a greedy _need, need, need_ and _want, want, want_. He couldn’t think straight anymore and he didn’t want to. He didn’t care about consequences anymore or any responsibility that came with adulthood. He wanted to give all of himself to the man he lost, the man he missed so desperately. To try and get back the decades they lost.

Oliver’s hands were on his chest, and they were so damn warm. He wasn’t shy about it at all either. Marcus kept his hands cupping his face, kissing him back with everything in him.

Oliver had snaked his hands around Marcus so they were on his back, and never did want to rip off his shirt more.

He bit Oliver’s lip and he grunted in response, and panted against his lips; “Unbutton it.”

Oliver didn’t need an convincing, as he kept his forehead against Marcus’s and panted, he sloppily unbuttoned it.

Marcus was too impatient to take it off and in a fit of lust, pushed Oliver onto his back, keeping his shirt on but fully unbuttoned. Their lips met again, and this time Oliver’s shirt had rode up, and Marcus let his fingers graze his skin.

He loved it. He needed it. But maybe they both knew it was time to stop when they could feel how fucking hard they’d both gotten.

Marcus pulled away first, and he looked down at a red, sweaty face and swollen lips. Oliver’s hair was a mess, and Marcus’s was probably a new kind of a messy at this point. Oliver didn’t try to move from under him, and Marcus couldn’t help push his hair out of his face.

He sat up so he was sitting on his knees but Oliver still didn’t move. He’d seemed to have gone from staring at him to staring at the ceiling.

God, he hoped the didn’t regret it. If he did, then they’d completely fucked up having any kind of friendship.

But maybe they couldn’t have a friendship. Maybe it was too hard to be anything between lovers and strangers. Not after three years of young love, and twenty-three of being apart.

“So,” he prompted, hoping to get his attention. “That happened.”

Oliver was still staring at the ceiling, completely quiet.

God, he did fuck up.

“Sorry,” he said and got off the couch. “That’s definitely not why you invited me here and–”

“No,” Oliver cut him off and sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I kissed you first.”

No, they kissed each other. Oliver was just the first to break. If anything, if they could’ve, he would’ve pinned him to a wall in the gym and try to get back those decades, as if he could trick himself into thinking they could get it back just by kissing.

“Ollie, no,” he said, allowing the pet name to escape his lips. “I was never over you, and as unrealistic and pathetic it may sound, I’m still not.”

Finally, Oliver sat up. He drew his knees to his chest, and stared at him. “I’ve tried so hard to date,” he began, swallowing for a moment. “And I’ve been thinking I had these high standards, and that was why I could never find a guy I really liked. But I think it’s actually because none of them were you. None of them could even measure up to you.”

Okay, so he was basically saying he feels the same. But things were never that easy.

“But the problem is, I don’t want to be in love with the kid I knew as a teenager. I want to love who you are now, because I don’t want us to be trapped in the past.”

He frowned. “So what do you want to do then?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, date like adults? Learn about each other’s lives now. I don’t want to drop our past, I mean three years is a long ass time for teenagers. And it is important. But I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to be hung up on who we were back then.”

Marcus nodded. He was right. They were different people now, and if they were still in love with each other they needed to love who they were now. Otherwise they really were just wasting their time.

“Okay,” he nodded. “Then we can go on a date, how about that?”

He smiled. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

* * *

Dating each other again felt natural, Oliver decided. As a first date, Marcus took him to a small and intimate high end restaurant. Small enough that it still was them going out but not too open in public. He did have a moment of panic when the waiter came, but he didn’t seem to think twice about it.

It actually felt like a date, and there was something really nice about that. As kids, they only really hung out. Like they were friends who just kissed sometimes. But that date felt like they were something a little more real.

They went back to his place since Carson was at Fay’s house. Sex wasn’t really the thing on their minds, they really just wanted the date to go on for long as possible.

They ended up falling asleep on his couch watching Moonlight. The magic of that was ruined when Marcus had to run home to Xander.

It’d been a couple of months of dating, and they were fitting well together.

The only problem was that Oliver felt like Marcus was holding back on something. That there was something deep and important that he wanted to tell him but couldn’t bring himself to.

Oliver decided that if there was something he wasn’t telling him, it’d come later. Hopefully.

* * *

Marcus knew he had to tell Oliver about his attempted suicide. That was the one thing he had to tell him if they were going to get into a more serious adult relationship.

He couldn’t not tell him because of the medication, because of the depression, because he got bad days. He needed to understand that.

Explaining that to a person was hard. He didn’t want Oliver to leave him because of it but he knew that if someone he was dating would think less of him for his mental illnesses then he wasn’t worth it.

He was planning to show Oliver his house during that day. The gym Oliver worked at was closed for maintenance and that left him with the day off. Marcus had made the choice to finish his day early, only to get the morning paperwork done and clear the rest of his day.

Not the most responsible thing to cancel his day to spend it with someone he was dating but he couldn’t bring himself to care. For years the one thing that kept him going was Xander, but Oliver being back in his life was for sure an added bonus.

Around noon, his phone rang and he answered it.

“Hello,” he said.

“Mr Flint, there’s a Mr Wood here to see you?” his assistants voice said.

He let himself grin. “Let him in,” he said.

He set his phone down and a moment later, Oliver stepped in.

He stood from his desk and rounded it to greet him with a kiss, cupping his face in his hands as he pressed their lips together. Oliver laughed against his lips and stepped away.

“This place is big,” he said.

He nodded. “Office hell,” he said. “I’ve done all the work I need to so we can go.”

He smiled back at him and they left together. He told his assistant to clear his schedule for the day and they walked down to his car. Oliver’s wasn’t a problem since he just took an Uber, so they drove straight to his house, Marcus putting some music on in between.

In the corner of his eye he could see Oliver smiling. “Green Day, huh?”

He smiled at that. “My music taste has barely changed,” he said and he bobbed his head to American Idiot.

“You were literally such a ’90’s punk kid,” he nodded.

“I plan to be that dad who wears old band shirts, which I’m already getting into from time to time.”

He loved the sound of Oliver’s laugh more than any sound in the world.

When they got to his house, Oliver was definitely caught off guard. He stared at it before looking back at him. “I really forget how rich you are sometimes,” he said.

He laughed. “Well, now I know for sure you don’t want me for my money.”

He gave him an amused smiled. “Nope, just your body.”

Yeah, he was already close to falling in love with him again.

He just hoped he’d stay when he told him about his meds.

“So,” he asked when he showed him inside. “Want anything to eat, to drink?”

He smiled. “I’m good, thanks,” he said, clearly tying to stop himself from gawking at his surroundings.

He showed him to the sitting area, loosely holding onto his hand.

Yeah, he had to tell him.

“Hey, before anything else, I really should tell you something,” he said when he pulled him onto on of the sofas.

Oliver frowned at him. “Uh, okay?”

“So, uh, it is actually really important. Probably the most important thing that’s changed after we broke up– outside of the kids of course.”

Oliver looked worried. “Is it bad?”

He scratched the back of his head. “Uh, depends how you look at I guess? I’m, uh, I’m on prescribed antidepressants.”

He let him take that in for a moment. Oliver stared at him, like he’d misheard him. It wasn’t judgment though, it was pure concern.

He saw his Adam’s apple bob before he spoke. “Did you… ever try to hurt yourself before you were?”

Oh god, this was so much worse than the chance of him leaving. Scaring him like this. But he knew he had to, he wanted him to know. Even though it bogged on Xander so much, he knew it was better than not knowing in case something really bad happened.

“Yeah, uh, I was really bad ten years ago. Before I was on meds. I’m nowhere near as bad now, but yeah I did.”

Oliver gaped at him. “Did you… did you try to…” he couldn’t even get the words out. Marcus couldn’t even do it himself. The words ‘I wanted to die’ was never something he could say.

So he could only nod. The silence that fell was tense, and Marcus realised he’d never had actually talked about this with someone outside of a therapist he saw when he was still in New York. It was something people knew about but no one talked about it. The most was Xander asking if he’d had his medication.

“I hope this doesn’t change anything, I just wanted you to know.”

“What?” Oliver gaped at him. “Marcus, no,” he said. “That doesn’t change anything at all.”

He frowned. “You sure?”

He nodded. “I’m sure.”

“I just figured you should know, especially since I still get bad days where I can’t even get out of bed. It’s not pretty.”

Oliver covered his hands with his own and squeezed it. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you, Mar, I promise.”

He smiled and pecked his lips.

“You’re amazing,” he mumbled against his lips. The sentence felt incomplete because they words ‘I love you’ so desperately wanted to follow. But it was too soon, and Oliver was the one who wanted to keep things at least a little slow.

Oliver poked his ribs and smiled. “Lucky you then.”

He laughed and nuzzled into his shoulder. He was too lucky.

* * *

They said ‘I love you’ around Thanksgiving. Maybe their feelings came quicker than it would’ve had if they didn’t have a past. But they did agree their past was important, and Marcus knew for sure the feelings were as genuine as they could be.

They still had to go through the process of telling people though. They’d wanted to make sure they were certain about their relationship before telling anyone. A holiday seemed like the right time.

Xander was mostly quiet for most of the drive to his parents house. Thanksgiving at their place wasn’t one of his favourite things, but it at least Chris was flying in with his family.

“Hey, dad?” Xander said, about ten minuted from the house. “I kinda need to tell you something.”

He kept his eyes on the road, but he was a little surprised by his tone. Xander was kind of quiet but he wasn’t the nervous type. “Okay, what is it?”

He laughed nervously. “I don’t know why I’m weird about this, you’re the last person who’d care. But uh, I’m bisexual.”

Xander let the silence fill, and Marcus couldn’t help but laugh at that. He really was basically a clone of him in some ways.

“You planning to tell your grandparents about that?” he asked him when he stopped laughing.

He snorted. “Not unless I’m like, ready to marry a guy. Too much drama. I wish I could though.”

He nodded in understanding. “Well, I’m glad you told me at least.”

“One benefit of having a gay dad is that it’s not that hard,” he said. “And I think Emma will be mad she’s no longer the gay cousin though.”

The thought of Xander being queer in anyway hadn’t crossed his mind for some reason. He’d known he was gay long enough for him to be used to it, but the thought of him being at all like him wasn’t something he’d have thought of. Mostly because Daphne’s parents had made the accusation that he would try and make Xander gay if he got full custody. It kind of made the situation really funny, in a sad sort of way.

But that didn’t stop a nagging thought in his brain.

“Are you going to tell your mom?”

He heard him shuffle next to him. “Uh, I don’t know. Maybe? Not right now. All my friends know, so it’s not like it’s that huge of a deal for me. Like, I don’t care if people know. But I don’t really want to tell her on the phone.”

“Okay, you don’t have to,” he replied. Now was probably as good as a time as ever to tell him about Oliver he figured. “I guess I should tell you then that I’m dating someone. Kinda seriously actually.”

“Yeah, I kind of guessed,” he said as he parked into his parents place. “You’ve been a lot happier lately.”

He smiled and turned to him. “I’m bringing him to your grandparent’s Christmas party, he’s got a son your age.”

“Cool,” he said.

He ruffled his hair, and he didn’t shoo his hand away. “Ready for a dreadful night?”

“Not at all.”

“Okay, then, let’s go.”

* * *

Oliver didn’t know why, but telling his friends he was dating someone was far easier than even the thought of telling Carson.

Telling his friends finally got them off his back with setting him up with people, and the added fact that they were queer too helped.

Carson was used to him being gay at this point, it was a complete non issue. He was at a pretty good age when he found out, old enough to understand it but young enough for him to really have time to process it. And Carson wasn’t naive, he could guess he went on dates, and he knew Oliver had queer friends who were married. He knew all those things. And he definitely knew kids at his school who were queer.

But Oliver still didn’t know how to tell him. Saying he was dating someone should be easy. And it’d probably be easier than telling Fay. She supported him, but he’d understand if she could handle her ex husband being gay in theory but not in practice.

Carson was spending Thanksgiving with Fay’s family anyway, since it was her turn. He went to his parents house, and didn’t speak too much as he ate. They didn’t pry into his personal life, and that was how he liked it. Amelia was similar in that respect but telling her he was dating someone seriously still felt difficult.

His parents reaction to him being gay was kind of in-between being okay with it and not being okay with it. They weren’t going to cut off communication but they would still look away from a pride parade.

They could find out about Marcus in their own time. They didn’t really need to know about his relationship status. And he’d rather Carson know before Amelia. His friends were just the easiest to tell. Marcus had also texted him that he’d told Xander, apparently after he’d come out to him as bisexual.

Carson would be home tomorrow night, so maybe that’d be the right time.

He’d spent his day off parked on the couch watching The Good Place.

He’d texted Marcus for a bit, but he had some work he had to get done before Monday. So that left him to mindlessly watch the TV.

Carson got home around three, carrying his overnight bag over his shoulder. He kept his necessities in there, and Oliver felt a little bad he was forced to go back and forth like that. But he’d never complained about it. It wasn’t that long of a trip anyway.

“Hey dad,” he said and fell on the couch next to him, dropping his bag in the middle of the floor.

He rolled his eyes. “Can you put your stuff in your room?”

He shrugged and set his feet on the coffee table. “I will later,” he said. “So you’re finally watching the Good Place?” he grinned.

“Yes, happy?” he asked.

“Yep! Just like with Brooklyn Nine Nine.”

He smiled. “Well, like with Jake, I’m pretty sure Eleanor is bi.”

“You and the internet too, dad,” he laughed.

He laughed too. Carson was the reason he even watched TV anymore, especially after begging for a Netflix account.

“Thanksgiving last night good?” he asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, uh, mom brought a guy she’s been dating.”

He frowned at him. “Fay’s dating someone?” He wasn’t so naïve to think she wouldn’t date after their divorce, but he didn’t expect to not know about a boyfriend if he was serious enough to meet Carson.

He nodded. “She’s been for six months.”

“Oh.” Even if they weren’t ever in love with each other, she’d still been his wife. So it was kind of weird to hear that she’d been in a relationship for that long and he didn’t know. She was still a really good friend of his, and he’d thought they had the kind of friendship where she could tell him something like that.

“He seemed nice,” he assured. “He brought pie.”

He nodded and looked back at the TV. Well, he might as well tell him about Marcus.

“I’m dating someone too,” he said as casually as he could. “Just been a couple of months.”

“That’s why you’ve been on your phone so much?” he guessed.

He shrugged. “Kinda.”

“Where’d you meet him?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

He smiled. “Uh, long story,” he said. “I’ll tell you another time.”

He frowned. “Is it really that dense of a story?”

He nodded. “Another time,” he said. “His parents actually hold this Christmas party thing, he’s got a son your age so you can pair off with him if you’d like.”

“Christmas party?” he asked, raising a brow.

He laughed. “You’ll see.” Not that he really knew, but he wanted to meet Xander and Marcus wanted to meet Carson, and that was the best place to do so.

* * *

Fay’s boyfriend had been a nagging question in his head for a few weeks.

He wanted to tell her about Marcus, it felt fair. Maybe she’d tell him about this boyfriend if he did too.

The fact I’d been six months and she hadn’t told him felt weird though.

He’d called her and asked her if she wanted to get coffee. She had a decent lunch break so he drove himself to the hospital and they ate in the cafeteria together.

She came and sat with him, still in her scrubs and her hair a mess. She already had a cup of coffee in her hand, definitely trying to make up for the bags under her eyes.

He smiled at her. “Hey,” he said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Hey,” she grunted rubbing her eyes. “Sorry, I’m exhausted.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he smiled. “How’ve you been?” he asked, half hoping he’d get something about her boyfriend.

“Fine,” she said. “Thanksgiving was a nice break until I was called into ER.”

He nodded. “So, I actually wanted to tell you something.”

She raised her brow at him. “What is it?”

“I’m dating someone,” he smiled.

She blinked at him. “Oh, that’s good,” she said.

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s good,” he said.

She took another sip of her coffee. “Let me guess, Carson told you about David?”

Oh, okay. He took another bite of his sandwich and nodded.

She sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said.

He swallowed his food. “It’s not that big of a deal,” he said. “Just surprised you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know how to bring it up. It’s just, you and me, our whole thing is pretty complicated anyway.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. For the longest time you were my best friend, then out of nowhere we sleep together. We were drunk, but it still happened. Then we got married all because of Carson. And don’t get me wrong, I love him and I appreciate you marrying me so I wouldn’t have to be a single mother but we were never in love, and we both know the marriage was a bad idea. I think it would’ve been better if we never got married and did this split custody thing from the start, and…” she trailed off, and sighed.

He frowned at her. “And?”

She ran a hand through her hair and look at her coffee cup. “Do you even know what it’s like telling a guy you’re dating that your ex husband is gay? I don’t want to make this about me, but that’s just a fucking conversation and a half. And then if I find a guy I otherwise I like, but then I mention we divorced because you’re gay, I find out he’s actually a homophobic pig.”’

“Wait,” he shook his head. “Wouldn’t you break up with him anyway?” he frowned.

She nodded. “Yeah, but I still don’t like having that conversation. David’s reaction is the best I’ve had, he just shrugged it off and said his brother’s gay, y’know? But it’s still a weird conversation because some guys just ask weird questions. And I know it’s not your fault, but I do something wish we never had sex and you just told me you were gay when you were ready.”

“But Carson–”

“Wouldn’t have existed in that universe we never had sex, so we wouldn’t have cared,” she cut him off. “You can’t tell me you didn’t wish at least a little sometimes we never had sex?”

He bit his lip. He had, and it was a hard situation. He loved Carson and he loved Fay, but he hated the situation they were in. It wasn’t fair to either of them even if it felt like it was a good idea. He wished his younger self had just told Fay, or had told Cedric so he wouldn’t have tried setting them up from the start.

When he was silent for too long, Fay spoke again. “You cried after we had sex.”

He met her eye, and gaped at her. “I did?”

She nodded. “I thought it was because you were really drunk, or because you were scared it’d ruin our friendship. But I don’t even know what to think anymore honestly.”

He chewed his lip. “Well, I don’t remember it. So I can’t really say why honestly.”

She sighed. “We were a mistake, that’s what I know for sure.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry, I wish I’d told you sooner. I wasted both of our lives.”

“At least we got a great kid out of it,” she said.

He smiled. “We did,” he agreed. They really had.

* * *

Marcus typically was able to miss the annual Christmas party, or really Christmas eve party, his parents held. His childhood was full of them, suffering through meet stuffy rich people and being around snobby rich kids. He usually glued to Chris or Amy, while they attempted to entertain themselves.

Unfortunately, as an adult, you still had to do things you didn’t want to do. He’d detailed to Oliver that it was pretty dreadful but Oliver, bless his soul, still wanted to come. And he was bringing Carson, so he was able to meet him. Xander seemed pretty open to hanging out with him, since he usually just sat in a rec room with his cousins.

He’d picked up Oliver and Carson from their house, and the boys seemed to quickly get along. They were laughing at something on Xander’s phone, some sort of videos playing after Xander asked him if he wanted to watch ‘Vine compilations’. At least it made them get along.

He’d asked Oliver about it, and apparently he hadn’t either detailed their history to his son. Maybe for another time, but they both at least wanted to tell them. It would definitely make them understand their relationship better, and they were both close with their kid that it felt almost necessary.

At least for now the boys were getting along, laughing at whatever videos they were watching.

“Oh, this one’s my favourite,” he heard Xander say behind him and he heard Carson make a noise in agreement.

In a weird singsong voice, he heard Xander sing, “ _Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub, five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay_!”

Oliver turned towards them and stared at them between bewilderment and amusement. “What they hell are you two watching?” he laughed.

“Vines,” Carson said.

“God, I’m getting old,” Oliver said and turned back around. “Do you know what Vines are?”

He snorted. “I’m as old as you, so no,” he said. At least it kept them entertained.

When they got there, Xander seemed like he wanted to quickly meet with his cousins, Carson awkwardly standing near him with his hands in his suite pocket. He seemed to be pretty taken aback by the size of his parents place. Marcus himself lived in a pretty big house, but his parent’s house was on another level.

“Ah, been too long since I’ve been here,” Oliver laughed towards him.

Marcus grinned back. “Exactly as you remember?” he asked.

“Obnoxious? Yeah,” he said.

That made the boys look at them, in absolute confusion that Marcus almost burst into laughter.

“Wait, dad, when did you see this house?” Carson asked while Xander seemed absolutely lost.

They looked at each other, both with amused expressions. “Like, what, 1992?” Oliver said.

He nodded. “Yeah, ’92 for sure.”

They blinked at them, and even though it definitely prompted a lot of questions, Marcus couldn’t help but laugh at the looks on their faces.

“We’ll explain later,” Marcus said and smiled at Oliver. “Long story.”

Oliver nodded. “Very long,” he agreed.

Before they could even begin to argue, Marcus rang the doorbell and they were greeted by the butler, George.

He looked at Marcus, then at Oliver, then past them at the boys. “You’re parents are waiting to see you,” he said.

After inwardly screaming and plastering a fake smile on his face. “Hello to you too, George,” he said and they walked into the foyer.

“Hey, George,” Xander grinned. “Are my cousins here yet?”

“Yes, Xander,” he said and looked back at Marcus. “I will show the boys to where the other Flint children are,” George said. “I’m sure you and your,” for a moment, he eyed Oliver, and Marcus didn’t miss the spark of disapproval. “Friend, can get acquainted fine.”

“Oh yeah,” he heard Xander mutter to Carson. “Couples dudes being guys.”

“Guys being dudes,” he agreed and they both snickered as they followed George.

Marcus rolled his eyes and looked at Oliver. He was staring at the boys as they followed George.

He nudged him. “You okay?”

He looked at him and gave a small shrug. “He was kind of rude, is all.”

He nodded. “Yeah, he’s a dick,” he said. “C’mon, I’ll take you to hell.”

Oliver smiled at him and Marcus took his hand, and lead him to the dining room where he expected his parents to be.

Telling his parents he was dating someone was definitely an experience. It was even worse when he told them he was bringing him tonight. Sure, they’d met him before but they definitely didn’t remember him.

He also didn’t really want to deal with their reaction to them not actually doing homework in his room. That could stay between him and Oliver.

Oliver squeezed his hand he felt the happy knots in his stomach. The only other time they’d held hands in public, if this even counted, was at pride all those years ago. It felt at least a little easier in his parent’s house, even if he dropped his hand if they got one wrong look.

Before they entered the dining room, and brought Oliver’s hand to his lips and kissed him knuckle.

“I love you,” he mumbled. He was scared that this would blow up in their faces, so he felt the need to remind him of that.

Oliver bit his lip but still smiled. “I love you, too.”

He found Amy and Jules quickly, who both hugged him and gave Oliver big smiles when he introduced them. Their respective husbands had – thankfully – warmed up to him quickly. They’d never brought issue with him being gay but he still sometimes wondered if they had trouble wrapping their heads around it. Emma had said her dad was okay with her being a lesbian though, so he pinned it to that too. He did sometimes wonder what assumptions they both have had about about gay people, especially since they grew up around the same time. If he felt like shit about himself to the point he still feels he couldn’t make his sexuality obvious, then they likely had some negative thoughts.

Which was why when an old woman he didn’t know the name of gave him and Oliver a dirty look, he dropped his hand like it was hot.

Yeah, he really hated these fucking parties.

It was only worse when his parents came up to them. Oliver shuffled awkwardly next to him and Marcus placed his hand on the small of his back. Attempting to offer at least some comfort.

They did their usual overly formal greetings, before eyeing Oliver.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Uh, so this is Oliver,” he said.

His mom gave the classic look, eyes of judgment, shifting between them. He was too used to that cold look. It felt like ice was being poured down his back every time. He just wished that judgement exactly like this wasn’t something that they had to deal with. He wished he could burn it into ashes and never see it again.

If he was a different person he’d tell them that this was his ‘friend’ from high school, the boy that was always in his room, that they didn’t study one little bit.

But no, he was still so concerned about what his parents thought. He still wanted them to be happy with his life decisions.

He’d lost that when he told them he wanted to divorce Daphne.

Oliver was tense next to him, but he still gave them the best smile he could. “Nice to meet you,” he said.

His father eyed Marcus for a moment and Marcus really did feel like he was child again.

“So, Oliver,” his father spoke in a tone Marcus knew wouldn’t lead to good things. “What do you do for work?”

Oliver paled. “I’m a personal trainer, at this gym in the city,” he said.

His parents looked at each other from the corner of their eyes, and the looks on their faces were coated in disapproval.

They excused themselves to go greet other guests and Marcus watched them walked away, as a feeling of nausea fell over him.

Oliver was staring at the floor. Marcus frowned and nudged him gently. “You okay?”

Oliver’s eyes met his. “They think I’m a gold digger, don’t they?” He was giving him a sad look as he said that. Marcus couldn’t help but kiss his cheek and nuzzle his nose against his skin. He didn’t even think that Oliver might feel like that, he’d been so focussed on how they’d disapprove of him that what they’d think of Oliver hadn’t even crossed his mind. Maybe it was because in his head, Oliver was perfect. There was no way they could disapprove of him.

But he was right, it wouldn’t be unlike his parents to jump to thinking he was a gold digger.

“I know you’re not,” he assured him. “So that’s enough for me.”

He still frowned and then he sighed. “This is never going to be easy, is it?”

“Probably not,” he said. “But we’re adults, so do parents really matter?”

“I know we don’t need it, but I would like it.”

He nodded, because he would love his parents approval but he also knew he wasn’t going to get it no matter how hard he’d tried.

A long time ago, especially before he’d met Oliver, he’d wished he could get rid of the piece of him that liked boys, and could make himself like girls. He was beyond on that now, but it was a constant cycle of trying to get their approval in different ways.

But they’d probably never approve of, or even understand how he could be this way. How his brain could only understand loving a man. Loving Oliver.

He’d never get their approval. “Yeah, me too.”

* * *

_February 2018_

_When forever fades into a memory/Nothing will ever take you away from me_

One of the real benefits of Carson knowing about Marcus and getting along with Xander was that not only could he say he was going to Marcus’s, but he could ask him if he wanted to come so he could hang out with Xander.

He was surprised that they got along so quickly and easily. Xander was actually pretty quiet compared to Carson, but they had the same sense of humour and liked the same shows, so they usually watched Netflix while he and Marcus had their privacy. Which usually consisted of talking, they didn’t need one of the boys accidentally walking in on them to see something they shouldn’t.

They ended up explaining how they met on one of those visits, which was its own experience. They were both pretty surprised that it was detailed, and Xander especially took it hard. Marcus told him he thought it was him realising how lucky he was to be born in a much more accepting time.

Carson did have a few questions about it, after he admitted that he’d assumed he hadn’t known he was gay when he married Fay and that he was just a drunken mistake. He always felt guilty that Carson knew he was a mistake, but there wasn’t really anything he could change about that.

The boys had settled on watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Oliver and Marcus went upstairs. They walked to Marcus’s room, and Oliver fell onto the soft mattress. He let his shirt stay rolled up, resting his head on his hands.

“Damn, I’m surprised by how quickly those two became friends,” Oliver said as Marcus sat at the head of the bed.

“Good thing though,” he said.

“Yeah,” he mumbled in agreement.

He heard the bed squeaked and he was met with Marcus’s upside down face smiling down at him. He smiled back and Marcus bent down and kissed him.

“They took the story of how we knew each other well,” Marcus said, laying down next to him so their heads were next to each other.

He laughed. “Yeah, they were probably expecting a recent meet cute or something.”

“You say that like our meeting wasn’t cute,” he teased and poked his side.

He snorted. “Yeah, gave me smokes and now I’m on nicotine patches.”

Marcus gave a low laugh. “Glad you’re finally quitting, now I don’t have to kiss smoker mouth.”

“Oh shove it,” he said. “You’re the one who shotgunned me for our first kiss.”

“Okay, fair.” He rolled over him again and gave him another upside down kiss, that one being a little deeper. He smiled against his lips and cupped his face.

His stomach felt so warm, and he felt so much. He’d spent so many years feeling empty that he thought he’d always feel like that. It got better when Carson was born but the kind of intimacy he had with Marcus was something he’d missed.

When Marcus pulled away slightly, he let out a breath. “I love you so fucking much,” he said.

Marcus stared back at him, and sat up. “Wait here,” he said.

He got off the bed and Oliver sat up as he watched him go to his bedside table. He watched him in confusion. He pulled out some sort of piece of paper from the draw and came back to the bed to sit with him.

He looked from the ice of paper and back to him, and Oliver couldn’t remember the last time he saw him so nervous.“I, uh, I don’t know if you remember this but I kept this.”

He handed him the piece of paper, and Oliver realised it was some sort of polaroid picture. He looked at it and he felt his stomach drop when he saw what it was a photo of.

Staring back at him was his eighteen year old grinning face, a nineteen year old Marcus next to him. Despite the grins on their faces, there was so much sadness in their eyes.

It was their day at San Diego pride all those years ago. The last day they saw each other before being separated for all of those years.

Tears prickled his eyes and he looked back at Marcus.

“You… you kept this?” he asked, his voice weak. Because even though he remembered Marcus saying he would keep it, but he didn’t think he’d still have it after that long.

“I mean, I don’t break promises.”

No, because this man was too fucking incredible.

And that was when he realised, all these years he’d been trying to find a man he clicked with, someone who felt like he was right for him, but his heart never stopped being Marcus’s. Meeting again made him realise that he was never going to feel like this about someone again.

“Okay, I’m sorry if this feels out of nowhere but do you believe in soulmates?” he asked.

Marcus bit his lip and shrugged. “In theory, not in actuality. Like, I think it’s possible to meet someone and they feel so right for you, but I don’t think it’s a preplanned thing. It’s more of a thing out of work than some sort of fate.”

He nodded, gripping the photo tighter. “That’s what I think,” he said and looked back at the photo.

The stayed silent for a moment, and he felt Marcus’s hand gently run through his hair. “Do you remember the last thing I said to you? When I dropped you off in my car.”

He nodded, and he spoke those last words to him. “‘I would elope with you if I could’,” he said, the memory warming his stomach. “Did you mean that?”

He nodded. “I think so,” he said. “Imagine if we had,” he laughed. “Our lives would be so different.”

“Well, not being together gave us some great kids,” he said.

He nodded. “Yeah, that’s the only good thing from these two decades.” He traced his ginger on his thigh, like he was thinking. Oliver felt like he knew, and on the inside he was begging him to say it.

He met his eye again and bit his lip. “What if we got married?”

He smiled. “Top notch proposal.”

“No, I mean, what if we got married? Right now?”

He blinked. “Right now as in… this second?”

He nodded. “I mean, if you want a wedding, and obviously if you want to get married, then we can.”

He smiled at him. “I want to marry you, yes,” he said. “I’ve waited years to marry you so yes,” he nodded. “And honestly? No, I don’t want a wedding. I’ve waited so long for this that I don’t even want a big thing. My actual wedding was a quickly put together shotgun wedding, and I don’t want to go through another one.”

His smile grew. “Well, I definitely don’t want either of us to suffer through a snobby rich person wedding full of people pretending they don’t have an issue with the gays.”

He laughed and kissed him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He pulled away and rested his forehead against his. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Marcus replied. “So fucking much.”

He leaned back and stood up. “So, should we bring the boys?”

“Well, we do need a witness or two.”

…

Detailing their history to Xander and Carson was definitely a good idea, because coming downstairs and telling two teenage boys you were getting married on a whim after dating for only a few months, knowing there’s a three year history to help would make it less shocking.

Thankfully, they were completely onboard. They drove down to city hall and soon enough, they were married.

In that moment, they didn’t care about the repercussions of their parents or even the people around them, they were too busy working out how to sell Oliver’s house and when to move everything to Marcus’s.

It was a lot but the fact that they were finally together, that they were finally married, especially after how they thought that they would never be together again, was its own kind of bliss neither Oliver nor Marcus would trade for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've linked the Spotify playlist of all the song featured in the first chapter, so you can check that out if you'd like.


End file.
